13.4.14

I'm ok. I'd like to think that I'm happy. I think I am. I just have a little issue. In my head, I've never thought I'd live to this age and I now i don't really know what to do? (I'm over using the question mark but whatever) for as long as I can remember (not really, grade school days) I've had an obsession? With dying young. I dunno why. I've alway thought its better than dying of old age. Less drama, less hardships. But I dot really feel that way now. Why is it so hard to fucking explain your own feelings? It's so weird. I'm ok but my thoughts are on it's dead end. Can't day dream past this age. Haha. I guess this is what living each day as it comes is. It's kinda scary and nice. Whatever. Why can't I construct proper sentences. Ugh.

24.3.14

Hey there. It's been a while. A short while. Well I'm back. Guess why? Hahaha. I really am too old for this.

22.2.14

Made up with the bff. Haha. Fighting with people you love or people in general is exhausting. Fighting with my mom is heartbreaking. We're kind of ok now. Not back to the way it were, but ok nonetheless.

16.2.14

If one real person asks me if I'm ok, I might tell the truth.

Haha. No.


14.2.14

Went to church for the first time after so long. Almost cried my eyes out. During homily, the priest said that God loves us all differently. Uniquely. I wonder sometimes if He really does. I have so many things to be thankful for and I am really thankful, I just am a really horrible person. I've upset my whole family. I don't even know why or how I did it. I don't want to talk, there's nothing to say. I don't want to apologize, I've done nothing wrong. At least that's what I think. I'm always the one apologizing, everything is always my fault. Even if I'm the one being misunderstood, the blame is always on me. So I was given a deadline to fix this thing that I apparently did. I already suck at apologies as it is, how do you think I'd fare for apologizing for something I didn't do. I wish this'll just go away. I'm never leaving this room.
I'm fine.

This is something I'm really good at. I've practically perfected this 'craft'.

My heart feels like it's breaking and I want to be gone forever, but otherwise, yea, I'm fine. Good, even. Thank you.

See.

I don't even know why I feel like this, they say I'm just too 'emo'. My brother thinks I'm rebelling over some petty things. I'm not. I just, I don't know. I feel like this. It is what it is.
Happy birthday.

Am I really a failure of a person because right now my only wish is to disappear. If I wish hard enough...I don't want to be here.

11.2.14

This year's birthday will really suck because my mom and i are still not talking to each other. Hurray. Not.

10.2.14

Who are you? Nothing to see here. Move along now. Get out!
My mom and I aren't talking and it might be because I'm such a brat.

I'm back here plus I'm going back to my brat self. Wow, I must be feeling really shitty.
If only running away is that easy. If only I was young enough to still run away.

9.2.14

I do wonder if I'm a real screw up.

Oh the thoughts that run in my head. Not healthy, not at all.
I guess it's true, what that article say. We tend to make everything about ourselves. I do that a lot too. I'm horrible, I know.

It's why I can't really open up to people. Every time I try, it gets turned around, so I can't. Better to keep it all in I guess.
What's becoming of my life? Why do I suck at living. My birthday's coming up, another year I don't want. Why can't it just stop. Here I go again. Not depressed, just really sad. And disappointed with life. My life.

1.12.13

大丈夫、
私の心は、もう、
存在しません—

24.10.13

How can I not compare? Something I want so bad gets frowned upon but when it comes to what he wants it's ok? Where's the fairness in that? I can't even.

22.10.13

Suck it up and let it go. That's your only choice.

17.10.13

When Nanay died, i kind of stopped praying. I kind of forgotten how to. I'm sorry, but... I'm sorry. Still needs time. Thank you though, i no longer get depressed, just sad. I don't even think i got depressed. I dunno. I'm talking gibberish again. I will try. I will try.

9.10.13

I almost broke down in front of my mom. Almost. Was half-sobbing but told myself to getting acts together. Why do we feel small around people even when they're not deliberately making you feel that way? Ugh.

[edit: wahahaha Laughed too much. What was I trying to say? My thought got lost in my horrible grammar. Happens all the time when your just typing while the world is collapsing on you. What? Emo much? Too old for that shiz. Haha]

3.10.13

Ewan ko ah pero last time I checked I'm...never mind. It's hard to argue and defend yourself when someone's already made up their mind about you. What's the big deal anyway? It's not like I've harmed anyone by choosing to watch the game. I guess you'll never ever understand. IM 26 FUCKING YEARS OLD. I'm not a child, in case it isn't obvious yet. 

Applause for the excellent parenting skills. 

24.9.13

I'm being overly dramatic here, but really, my life is a mess. I am a mess. I say this so many times and I know it's the same for many of us, but my life right now is so much of a disappointment than what I thought and hoped it would be. I basically have nothing. Nothing in so many ways, not just financially. I feel like nothing. I feel so small. It's awful. I know a lot of people have it worse than me but still, this is not the life I want. I can't do the things I want, can't buy things I want. It sucks, but what suck more is you get condemned for it. Ugh. Why is life so hard? Why must everything be so difficult. I work hard with so little pay off, what the hell? I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm  a very pathetic person, I know that too.

Emo nights, I hate you. I'm too fucking old for this.

12.8.13

Of Cory Montieth



So it's the TCA today...why is everyone so hung up about Cory/Finn? He lied about being sober and died because of it. I know, I know. I'm being insensitive, maybe he was really a great guy (who knows? We're not close xP) but come on, it's drugs! Why glorify someone who couldn't overcome his drug addiction? What kind of example are we setting up to kids.

1.6.13

Running after you.

I can't believe this. Even in my dreams, I'm still running after you. Running after sexy shorts wearing you. Running to catch up to you. Running  faster than you so you could see me and notice me. But I guess even in my dreams you'll never do. That's saying something, right? Then how come I can't make myself let it go? Stubborn brain. Can it get more pathetic than this?

26.2.13

That feeling when someone makes fun of something you're sensitive/insecure of.

16.2.13

Who knew telling someone what you feel and think will be like this. I was never the one who say what's on my mind, not easily anyway. Finally had the guts but it got received th wrong way. I don't know how. It was clear. In the end I was the worst person in the world. Don't know why I even bother, no one gets it anyway. No one listens unless it's themselves talking. Never have, never will.


10.2.13

The important thing is to not let it in. But it's so hard not to, specially if it's not I'm used to. It's easier that way, but my thoughts kill me every fucking time. You know what I'm most scared of? That I'm going to die a very sad person and I won't even know why, and people won't even know that I am. I'm too fucked up in the head and I don't even know why that is so.

21.1.13

I wonder whats wrong with me. Sometimes I just keep wanting to go deeper and deeper into the world of self destruction. Like as if I want to see myself fail completely and disappear.

-Daul Kim


And no truer words were spoken than this.
Do you ever feel like cutting ties with certain people because being around them is just tiring, but you never do coz it wouldn't feel right? For them? Well maybe a little for you too. Maybe searching for my options somewhere else isn't too much of a bad idea. Go some place and never come back. I wish I were braver. Tougher. I really don't like me and what I am right now. And every one else is not being much of a help. I hate me. I hate how my life is turning out to be. This is so not how I imagined it would be. I hate me for not doing anything about it. Why am I not doing anything about it? Why am I too afraid of taking the first step? My giant leap of faith? I'm a fucking coward and I hate me for that. You can't judge me. Everything is easier said than done. 

Tomorrow, I'll forget about this. I'll wear the same fucking smile like I always do, and it'll start all over again. The fucking cycle of getting nowhere. 

17.1.13

It's 9:20pm and I just finished eating a burger. I feel like throwing up. I hate myself right now.

7.12.12

Grief strikes at the weirdest times. On a public transpo, brushing your teeth...it's been more than 2 years, I don't even know if it's still called grief when it's been that Lon.

I've always felt like I've been robbed of my grandmother. Slept thinking she was fine, that she'll be able to make it through the night, got woken up coz she died. How screwed up is that Bro? Ang daya-daya. Why'd You made me think that she was fine when she wasn't? I shoulda have stayed with her I shouldn't have slept. Bakit po? Did I completely miss Your point? Hindi ko po talaga maintibdihan.

I miss her si much.