I'm too old to still be doing this, but I have to get this off my head.

I keep having flashbacks of the jumps. When I do, it's immediate that thoughts of you comes after. It's frustrating coz I want it out of my head and I just can't seem to. You're in my head. Why are you in my head? Why are you still in my head? I want you out. I can't do this again. I can't keep getting into this kind of thing where I'm the only one feeling things. It's not fair to me. I know I sound whiny, of course I am. That's what happens when you're always on this side - the outside. It's not fair. I'm always on the outside, looking into whatever

I can't even tell anyone, because then it'll be real. I don't want it to be real. It can't be. It just can't.


I want to be part of that, too.


I was under the impression that you like me. That impression blew straight at my face. Boo-ya. Rule number one yow!


Oh god. Lol. Haha. I was stupid for a while there. How did I even think of that. This is why I should never trust my gut feel. I should only rely on facts. Ouch. Rule number one. Alway remember. Should have it etched in my brain. Ouch. Oh well. Moving on...




Hi 'Nay. I know I said that hindi na ko masyadong galit, siguro nga hindi. But the thing is I can't forgive her. Not after all the things she said to you. Cousins, tss, it's just a fucking label. She's not my cousin, I don't want her to be. Kapal ng muka talaga. Abnormal nga yata siya 'Nay. Tangina, sorry, pero I really can't get myself to forget the things she did. Things will not be the same with her. Just her, though. Sorry.


Checked the stats and....WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! There's nothing to see here. Move along. NOW.
Hey shithead, stop. Just, stop. Them butterflies are going berzerk. So please, stop. I'm gonna fucking wipe that stupid grin off of your face. Ughhhhhh. Why the hell?! This is stupid. Ugh! I'm too old for unnecessary frisson.


Feeling a bit ok. Better. Coz...books. Yea. I am not making any sense, I'm going to bed. Thank you.


We're out having dinner. Right now. And all I want to do is go home and lie on my bed and stare at my ceiling. Is that bad? I want to cry. Is that bad? I'm having all these thoughts again. I guess that's bad. I have to pick myself up real quick before this turns into something big. I can't go back to that. I just can't. Not when I've already decided on finally doing what I'm afraid to do. This just can't happen to me again.
A little before two hours after my birthday (that sentence made very few or no sense at all)...

Hey. So yea, I just turned a year older. Spent the day exactly how I want it to - by myself. Technically, I was with my sister-in-law but she was in her room almost the whole time. We talk for a bit, 'twas cool. Slept most of the day away, watch re-runs of HOw I Met Your Mother, and avoided social media and the rest of the world. Exactly the way I like to spend my day. My family almost talked me into going out to dinner but I talked them into going out tomorrow instead. I just really want to stay home and ignore everyone. Then a little after dinner, I went to my room and for some reason that even I don't understand, I started crying. Like really crying - sobbing and shit. My existential crisis game is on point as fuck. Just had to come when I don't want it to and in waves. I feel so fucking empty, unaccomplished, unworthy, and alone all of a sudden. And scared. Another year and still, nothing's going on with my life. I seem to be forever stuck. I have to stop being afraid and make my decision soon...

Another year and I'm incoherent as fuck. Oh well.


But you were the one who put yourself in that zone!!!

(I'm assuming that was about me. Hahahaha! No really, was it me? Hahaha)


Just when you thought you've finally gotten brave and decided to speak your mind, they laugh and tell you it's just not possible. They need you. You don't need to find yourself. Thy need you. What you want is not important, all that matters is they need you and that you have to be there for them. Wow. 

And the thing is, I no longer feel like crying. I'm way past it. This is too much. 


The phrase "Gone but not forgotten." is only allowed as my epitaph only if it holds true. If it can't be kept better not place it there.


I'm ok. I'd like to think that I'm happy. I think I am. I just have a little issue. In my head, I've never thought I'd live to this age and I now i don't really know what to do? (I'm over using the question mark but whatever) for as long as I can remember (not really, grade school days) I've had an obsession? With dying young. I dunno why. I've alway thought its better than dying of old age. Less drama, less hardships. But I dot really feel that way now. Why is it so hard to fucking explain your own feelings? It's so weird. I'm ok but my thoughts are on it's dead end. Can't day dream past this age. Haha. I guess this is what living each day as it comes is. It's kinda scary and nice. Whatever. Why can't I construct proper sentences. Ugh.


Hey there. It's been a while. A short while. Well I'm back. Guess why? Hahaha. I really am too old for this.


Made up with the bff. Haha. Fighting with people you love or people in general is exhausting. Fighting with my mom is heartbreaking. We're kind of ok now. Not back to the way it were, but ok nonetheless.


If one real person asks me if I'm ok, I might tell the truth.

Haha. No.


Went to church for the first time after so long. Almost cried my eyes out. During homily, the priest said that God loves us all differently. Uniquely. I wonder sometimes if He really does. I have so many things to be thankful for and I am really thankful, I just am a really horrible person. I've upset my whole family. I don't even know why or how I did it. I don't want to talk, there's nothing to say. I don't want to apologize, I've done nothing wrong. At least that's what I think. I'm always the one apologizing, everything is always my fault. Even if I'm the one being misunderstood, the blame is always on me. So I was given a deadline to fix this thing that I apparently did. I already suck at apologies as it is, how do you think I'd fare for apologizing for something I didn't do. I wish this'll just go away. I'm never leaving this room.
I'm fine.

This is something I'm really good at. I've practically perfected this 'craft'.

My heart feels like it's breaking and I want to be gone forever, but otherwise, yea, I'm fine. Good, even. Thank you.


I don't even know why I feel like this, they say I'm just too 'emo'. My brother thinks I'm rebelling over some petty things. I'm not. I just, I don't know. I feel like this. It is what it is.
Happy birthday.

Am I really a failure of a person because right now my only wish is to disappear. If I wish hard enough...I don't want to be here.


This year's birthday will really suck because my mom and i are still not talking to each other. Hurray. Not.


Who are you? Nothing to see here. Move along now. Get out!
My mom and I aren't talking and it might be because I'm such a brat.

I'm back here plus I'm going back to my brat self. Wow, I must be feeling really shitty.
If only running away is that easy. If only I was young enough to still run away.


I do wonder if I'm a real screw up.

Oh the thoughts that run in my head. Not healthy, not at all.
I guess it's true, what that article say. We tend to make everything about ourselves. I do that a lot too. I'm horrible, I know.

It's why I can't really open up to people. Every time I try, it gets turned around, so I can't. Better to keep it all in I guess.
What's becoming of my life? Why do I suck at living. My birthday's coming up, another year I don't want. Why can't it just stop. Here I go again. Not depressed, just really sad. And disappointed with life. My life.




How can I not compare? Something I want so bad gets frowned upon but when it comes to what he wants it's ok? Where's the fairness in that? I can't even.