A blog is a place where i can say things that I will never say in real life. It is where i vomit words when i'm hurt, pissed and what-not. A place where I say mean things that I don't really mean.

So, uhm, yea. I hope my family never finds this. haha.

Maybe if you've tickled my brain a little more i would've agreed. But no, you had to call me names.

"Walang kwenta"

I get that a lot from her. I shouldn't hurt anymore, right? But why does it, still?

Naisip ko lang. Does she ever regrets saying mean words to me? or does she even realize that what comes out of her mouth is mean and actually hurt my fucking feelings? I don't think so. Some parenting skills, huh.

What's wrong with wanting to stay at home? I honestly don't know what to do with my mom anymore. I'm 24 yo for crying out loud! Don't I have a say on what I want to do? I go out-she say something. I stay at home-she say something. Isn't Kuya a grown man??? Why do I have to accompany him to the mall, anyways? Pucha naman ang tanda na niya, a few years and he's turning 30! Can he still not do things by himself? Jeez! I don think I deserve to hear "walang kwenta" just because I refuse to go with him! Tangina naman! I am not going to fucking cry over this! I refuse to feel bad and sorry for myself. I'm the youngest and yet I'm expected to take care of my fucking Kuya. Why the fuck is that? It's not like he's got a fucking disability or something. And then on top of everything I'm getting blamed for not letting the fucking carpenter in. Tangina, had he knocked I'd easily let you in! But did he? Did he? No!! Then he goes here telling my mom how he was banging on the gate but no ones answering! I'm on the couch I could see the fucking gate from where I was sitting! Liar ang pucha!!! Tangina! I am not going to cry! What fucking happene to my seemingly perfect day? Ako na Lang lagi ang masami. Ako na Lang lagi. Ako...am I that fucking insignificant in this household? I stopped thinking that I'm better off dead a long time ago but right now I feel otherwise. Just because you tried aborting him a long time ago doesn't mean you'll have to make me compensate for everything too. I'm important too! I AM FUCKING IMPORTANT TOO!!!


No fucking depressant and still I feel so fucking depressed.

Now I'm addresses as "hoy". Salamat talaga ah. Salamat.

Why are my feelings always fucking ignored in this house? I am part of this family too aren't I? Am I? Am I? Am I that unimportant? That insignificant? Did I ever do something to deserve this kind of treatment? This over not accompanying your precious boy to the fucking mall?!!! I am not going to cry. I am not going to feel bad about this. Get a fucking hold of yourself!

Pero kasi, bakit lagi na Lang akong walang kwenta?

ayoko na dito. ayoko na dito. ayoko na.

bakit ganon? everything seem to be going the wrong way for me?

Nothingness kicks in. Again.

Been crying my eyes out for the past nights before bed. Exactly why I hate being alone with my thoughts. Exactly the reason why the first thing I do when I wake up is open the tv, to distract myself from me. Escape. If I leave me with me I'd self-destruct. Been wondering lately, how many valiums would it take? Will a whole pack do? Can valium even do it? I wonder if I'd be forgiven. I wonder if I'd go straight to hell for doing it. I wonder if someone will be proud of me for being strong and actually doing it. I wonder if they'd be like, 'At least she had the guts to do it.'. I wonder if I'd regret it after doing it, or would I even know I did it after doing it. I wonder if they'd be sad for me, or happy. I wonder if anyone'd cry. Will I be missed? Will they feel like they lost something forever or will it just be a passing thing for them? I'm pretty much a wuss, I can't do it. I don't know. Maybe I can. I guess if I decided that I can do it, you'll never know considering the fact that I won't be around to tell you. It scares me, honestly. My thoughts. Me. I'm scared that if i think too much about this I'd start challenging myself and just get on with it. But I probably won't. I don't know. I'm losing it, but I don't need to be saved. I've been through this before, I'll get through it again. I hope. What am I even saying. Fuck.

You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don’t recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?

-Albus Dumbledore

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
You owe Me.'

Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky

-Hafiz

words of wisdom from my dear cousin.

kung mahal mo talaga siya, ipagsuman mo.

taena, panalo. oo nga naman. sa hirap gumawa non para sa lalaki. eh kung pinagUbe ka pa, aba! sobrang mahal na mahal ka na non. haha!

'Nay, hello. How are you doing? Are you doin fine? I'm not. Let's meet each other again in my dreams tonight. I miss you. It's amazing how when on a night that i think of you and cry until i fall asleep, you always show up in my dreams. Makes me know that you really are just there, around, watching over us.

I miss you 'Nay. I really really do. And it's not helping that whenever i think about you, the image that enters my head is you on that hospital bed. No, not the smiling you. I feel like i haven't done anything for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...

eating spaghetti.

feel like throwing up. err.

i just smelled flowers when there are no flowers around me. i dunno. maybe i'm just making something out of nothing. i mean, there are fake flowers beside me after all. meh.

I miss Nanay so much. I never knew that I'd miss someone this much. It scares the crap out of me. It really does.

i miss you nanay. every one else seem to have dream of you except me and kuya. it's not fair. nanay. nay. i miss you so badly. so so badly. i hope you're being taken care of wherever you are. you're now in a place where there's no more pain. ok ka na 'nay. ok ka na. i know that's what i always tell you. ok ka na 'nay. even if it's not true. now, finally, ok ka na talaga 'nay. i know He'll take good care of you. malakas ako sa Kaniya eh. 'nay, i love you so much. 'nay. i miss hugging you. i miss your kwentos. i miss everything, 'nay. everthing. i miss you.

cancer.

know it’s symptoms. could happen to anyone. to people you least expected to have it. if you pee too much, if your mole became bigger or something, discharges from wherever, cough that never goes away, sudden weight loss. if you’re experiencing any of this and you feel that something ain’t right, go get yourself checked. better safe than sorry.

let’s all be healthy, everyone.

nabuburn-out na ko. but i have to be strong. we all have to. it's really no joke. kahit nakaupo ka lang at walang ginagawa, nakakapagod. i'm not complaining. i'll do anything, everything for nanay. i just want my nanay to be better. i want her back to her old self. i don't want her to be like the patients in that ward. please don't let her be like that. please. please. hindi ko alam pero it turned out we can't do anything about it na pala. it sucks! does that mean we just have to wait for it to happen? putang ina, i don't want it to happen. papasakayin ko pa ng airplane si nanay eh. wala pa nga kong trabaho. hindi ko pa nabibigay sa kaniya first salary ko. i want to tell her many things that are yet to happen in my life. i want her to see me get married. pupunta pa kame ng sm at magshoshopping. please please please make her ok. please let her get all better. please.

i want to throw up.

gusto mo magdamog pero wag na lang. it's not worth it.

ang saya mo no? pwede sa lugar na di ko naririnig? napipikon na ko eh. putang ina. ang galing galing mo kase. ang galing mo. perfect ka. ang galing. ang galing galing. kala mo nakakatuwa. makaramdam ka nga. tangina. ang galing mo talaga. the best ka when it comes to making people feel like shit. tae.

my brother is an asshole.

oh wait, i already told you guys that.

it's amazing how happy days go by quickly.

tang ina!!!! is this fucking hormones?!!! coz right now i am tearing up and choking from keeping myself from bawling. and i don't even know why. i hate everything that's happening to me right now. every fucking thing. i wonder when will things get better for me? i feel so fucked up but i know i'm not. i hope no one feels the way that i do. no one deserves to feel like this. no one.

puta, what the hell is wrong with me? it's like i'm feeling everything without actually feeling anything. and that sentence don't even make a fucking sense!

ugh! can't i be left alone for a few fucking minutes?!!!!!!! putang ina naman eh.

grabe, the things that i think of. and that's just from being stuck at home for 2 months. tang ina. sasabog na utak ko. ano na mangyayari saken?

if i wasn't like this, would things turn out differently for me?

puta emo.

shut up. shut up. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

you know how parents are supposed to be supportive and shiz? well i must be the unluckiest bitch on earth, coz right now, i don't feel like i have any. all i hear everyday is how i'm wasting away my life. it's not like i'm not doing anything! it really hurts that all i hear from my mom are words that are like knives stabbing me instead of words of comforts and shiz. if she's joking then those are really fucking mean jokes. if she only knew that i can't wait to get out of here, to stay as far away from her as possible. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT TRYING, COZ I REALLY FUCKING AM!!! i don't want to be stuck here forever. this is absolutely not the life i dream for myself. you can go and tell everyone that i'm a fucking useless daughter who's wasting her life fattening up at home, for all i care.

i guess the saying is true, the people who laugh the hardest are the ones who hurt the most. it's fucked up. i hate everything right now. i can't even cry. i don't want to. i'm not going to fall apart again because of the things she says. no, i am not going to. i am so much stronger now. things like this doesn't make me fall apart anymore. not anymore...

it's not always like this, you know. it's just that some days she is totally fucked up, doesn't think of what she's saying. she is so fucking tactless. i'm her daughter for heaven's sake, i don't think she has any clue about parenting. she's been failing parenting 101 ever since i entered college, constantly thinking that i'm a failure. maybe that's the downside of being an "achiever" when you were young. fucked up if you ask me. she's not a horrible mom you know, she's really nice, it may even be just me overreacting. but it really hurts when she says things. really really hurts.

this is just the emotion talking. done without thinking. i am such a screw up.

NEIGHBORS

should really stop asking me to fix their computers. i am no good when it comes to computers. reformat, fine. other than that, i know nothing else. ugh!