happy holidays! :'(

i feel so fuckin tired and numb at the same time. i dunno why. all i wanna do is to lie on my bed and stare balnkly into space. i dont even want to think about anything. remember when i said before that i just feel things without knowing why im feeling them? well its happening again. i dunno if this is some kind of sickness or something, all i know is that somethings' up with me, whether its depression or im just going crazy, i dunno. i need help. i think.
anyways, just one day to go before christmas. everyone's all goofy-happy. i dunno what i should be feeling. lots of things had happened. some are good, some are bad and i think all those things puzzle me on how i should spend my christmas or how i should feel this christmas, rather. i still feel bothered about my grades. waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. i want to fuckin scream! haaayyyy.


gosu to...haha

"Juliet was an idiot. For one thing, she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have… Everyone thinks it's so romantic: Romeo and Juliet, true love...how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum, then she deserved everything she got. "
"love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending...most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices and all your best intentions... fate wins anyway. "
-meredith grey, Grey's Anatomy



my mom keeps on telling me that i should eat. but heck, how the hell could i do that when each and everyone of my friends keep telling me to stop eating and that im fat or something. wish i was thinner. its not like i care about what other people think about how i look, but when they rub it in every freaking day, it kinda gets into me, and it kinda hurts my feelings. well, not kinda, it does hurt my feelings. i cant tell them to stop teasing and stuff coz they'll thing that im 'pikon' and all that. haay. wish i was stick thin. yeah, its true that true friends stab you at the front but when they stab you for like, a gazillion times a day, it hurts big time. i really dont know what to do anymore. getting really dizzy from not eating my normal meal. haay. i really dont think im that fat. i think i look normal. my mom says so, so does my cousin and some relatives. apparently, its not 'normal' enough, meaning its not thin enough. oh well. the heck with them.


oh crap...

it has been a very long week for me...i havent done much studying for school lately...there's nothing much to do anyways...hehe...NECES week is finally over,, twas really fun except for the 'bossing-around-of-my-in-charge-classmate' part...our class didnt win any award but oh well, we had fun and we could try again next year...
i feel really crappy...hurt my mom's feelings for the nth time...waaahhh...cried during mass...couldnt help it...kept on thinking how much i hurt my mom...haayy...sometimes i wish i was somebody else...


here again..

been surfing the net for a whole 4 hours now...grabe...sakit sa ulo...havent done much today...there's nothing to do eh...hehe...im listening to josh verdes' song "love at first sight", its really nice...heard it while watching happyslip's video...hehe...nakakatamad talaga...walang magawa...im feeling more stupid by the minute...walang laman utak ko...which makes me wonder if im gonna survive this sem...oh well...



Sa Langit

Paano kaya mapapansin
Pag-ibig kong itong laging bitin
panay sulyap, puro tingindi na talaga lilingunin
lagi na lang nasasaktan
puso kong itong nagdurusa
laging pinipilit pag-ibig ko sa yo ay dinggin

Hihintayin na lang kita sa langit,
hihintayin nalang kita sa langit

Marahil doon ay puro pag-ibig
Siguro naman ako ay pansin
pagbibigyan sa aking mga hiling

paano kaya mararamdan
pag-ibig mong aking dasal
marahil nga doon na lang sa langit

Hihintayin nalang kita sa Langit,
hihintayin nalang kita sa Langit

Palagi na lang kitang nakikita tila ba
isang madilim na ulap
walang kasinag-sinag para sa aking pag-asa

Hihintayin nalang kita sa langit
Ako ay may kaba
ako ay nag-alala
kung tayo ba ay magkikita sa langit
doon sa langit
sana sa langit,
sana sa langit
ang tanging pag-asa ko na lang ay langit


haayy...i really dunno what im feeling right now...it seems that im not feeling anything at all...silly isnt it? but that's what i feel...nothing...blanko...i dont understand it myself either..there are moments when im feeling all sorts of stuff and then there's moments like these, moments when im feeling completely nothing. zero. null. maybe i've become numb. numb from everything. sometimes i like being numb coz then i wont be feeling all the 'painful' stuffs im experiencing right now...god, i hate failing my subjects!!!!!!!!! waaaahhhhh....



i dunno why but im really pissed. i dont think there's a reason. i just am. pissed. tired. jittery (if there's such a word). excited. helpless. torn. haay. i cant explain why on some days im completely feeling nothing and on some other days i feel everything. is that like, a sign that im going crazy? maybe i should stop studying...coz i think its making me go nuts...(donuts..corny!)...kidding...i like studying. even if at times, i mean, at most times studying doesnt like me...haay...wish i could...never mind...


i mean, really...

if someone incessantly refuse to tell the url of his/her blog, isnt it understood that he/she doesnt want to let anyone read it? i know a blog is like, open for everyone in the net to read, but if you dont tell anyone you're close to where it is, then the only ones who could read it are like, the people you dont know, right? yeah, if someone doesnt want to let anyone read his/her blog, then he/she should just keep a private journal or something, but that's really not the point. wala lng. im just a little pissed. just when you finally have something that is all yours, or at least something you thought is yours, someone butts in and ruin everything for you. im not making sense. its really no big but it kinda is a big thing. aiun.


of chris tiu

"im so totally addicted to chris tiu...i just cant get enough of him...i started crushing on him way back in high school...god, he's so cute...he's the epitome of perfection...perfection personified...haha...i think im going nuts...haha...he's soo good in basketball, he wasnt that good before...haaay...wish i could have my picture taken with him...haha...KUDOS to CHRIS TIU"
when i was still in high school thinking of the universities i wanted to get in, the only schools that pop into my mind was the university of the philippines, la salle and ateneo de manila university...i didnt passed upcat(that stands for university of the philippines college admission test).i passed the entrance exam in la salle but we dont have the money to go to school there. i wasnt able to take the admu entrance exam but even if took the test and passed, my parents, even if they want me to go, wont be able to pay for the 'sky high' tuition fee there. so, i ended up going to the university of santo tomas. and i dont have any regrets. i love ust. love the people i met. love the things i learned and the things im still going to learn. but sometimes i just cant help but think, what if i went to la salle? or ateneo? or up? would i be any different? would i worry bout my grades too much (probably, mahiya nmn aq sa mom and dad q dba..haha)? haaaay...wala lng...i was just wondering...aiun...cheers to UST!


girl next door - saving jane

just like the song..cant really relate to it though...i aint got a boyfriend..haha..bitter?

Girl Next Door - Saving Jane

Small town homecoming queen
Shes the star in this scene
Theres no way to deny shes lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh I'm just the girl next door

I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishin that I was someone else

She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
I get A little bit she gets a little more
Shes Miss America ... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...


this one's really nice :)

*got this from a friends' multiply account...

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that cried in front of her.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.

To every guy that would give his seat up.

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that gave his heart

To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

This is one bulletin for you...

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there...


so dazed...so confused

"ive got a secret, its time for me to tell it, you've been keeping me warm..." waaaahhhh!!!! im crazy! haaayyy...if he could only stop doing what it is that he keeps on doing whenever we're together,,then maybe, just maybe,,,ill be able to let this stupid feeling go...everytime i try, whenever i feel like im finally getting somewhere with this "letting go" thingy,,he always does something to make the feeling come back, something to make me like him even more...why does he always do those things?! i mean, doesnt he realize that those things make me really fall??? is he really that insensitive? or maybe he knows, but he doesnt want to hurt my feelings coz he doesnt feel the same way as i do...haaayyy....either way, i guess i dont want to know...i'll just end up getting hurt and again, ill be left alone to pick the 'broken' pieces of me...im becoming overly dramatic, i know, but that's how i really feel...why do i always tend to fall for a person who's not willing to catch me? i guess thats how stupid i really am...oh well,,,that's life...bitter...hahaha

  • anyways,,,ust won today!!! woohoo!!! there's gonna be a game3! nice!!! ust growling tigers are gonna pounce the ateneo blue eagles on monday!!! woohoo!!!! [i love ust, but i really do like Chris Tiu of ateneo...he's just so cute! hahaha...i think i love him...nyahahaha]


typhoon milenyo

what i saw in the news was really devastating...a lot of people were affected by the typhoon...i was watching the news and i almost cried when i saw this reporter, kara david and a new born baby, the baby was born during the typhoon...gosh! manila has never experience a typhoon this strong since typhoon rosing, and that was like years ago so you could just imagine the trauma of the people affected...lots of provinces are under state of calamity...twas really upsetting...get this, the roof of our former house in caloocan got blown away!!! just imagine how strong the wind is!
my fone's signal is still dead...waaahhh...wala lang...i hope everyone will be ok...i know they will be...eventually...we're filipinos, so a calamity like this is no big for us...hehehe...haaayyyy...ive a test tomorrow, actually, make that two quizzes, so i have to go...


aspirin here please...

i feel sooooo tired...like im gon' be sick...i had a really hard time getting up this morning...my whole body is aching all over the place and my head feels like its being crushed! urgh! i hate feeling sick...anyways, there's no classes tomorrow coz apparently, there's this really huge storm coming, i hope it wont affect the country so much...its okay for me to have classes, i just dont want lots of people to lose their houses and stuff...aiun...i dont really have lots to say...i was pretty quiet most of the day so nothing much happened...i was studying a while ago but im sooo sooo tired,,,i guess i just have to continue tomorrow...aiun...i hope i feel better...i hate being sick...haaayyyy....my best friend, lha sent me this quote...she said it suits me...and she meant the message of the quote...i dont think so...i dont? i dunno....
"dont spend your lifetime loving a person if you have no plan to tell
what you feel,,,it's selfish!
love can never be so beautiful without friendship...one leads to another
and the process is irreversible...the best of lovers are the best of friends...."


same old same old...

nothing happened...same old shit happens everyday...everything's so lame...oh well, that's life...lame...anyways, my stupid prof in english scolded us today for being "noisy"...duh? we were'nt even talking...she's totally driving us insane...thank goodness, english is over...we dont have to deal with her rantings anymore...haha...haaay....
  • ....
  • got test result in M.E...
  • went home early today...
  • got a new bed...
  • realized im still into him...
  • hahaha...
  • (im feeling all ticklish on the inside...hahaha!)
  • ....
  • hahaha
  • ...
  • hahaha
  • i want to think about him no more but i just cant...
  • i really cant...
  • instead, im falling deeper...
  • this is bad...
  • really really bad...
  • waaahhhh!!!!!
  • urhg!!!!!
  • im gonna get over him somehow...
  • i know i will...
  • eventually...
  • waharhar...


am i not pretty enough - kasey chambers

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?


dun nia gusto...andon un gusto nia...i cant do anything bout that, can i? haaayyy...this is why i hate to fall for someone close to me,,,for a friend, specifically...lalo n pag one way lang...pag ako lng...aiun...wala lng...i keep on trying to let my feelings go but it just wont go away...i make myself believe that i dont feel anything for him anymore but everytime im with him, i forget that im trying to forget ive got feelings for him...gets? darn, its so easy to fall for him...specially when he gives you all those false signals...i thought he's into me, apparently, not...peling(feeling) aq eh...la nq magagawa un...its all his fault...why does he have to be too nice? too funny? to smart? if he isnt like that in the first place, i wouldnt even fall for him...he's not even cute.........well he is, but he's not all that.........uhm, i really fooling myself...haha...grabe....
"everytime i fall, i fall hard..."
(this is the first time i really fell for someone, mind you..)



Do you watch the Gilmore Girls?* yup!

Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson?* who is he?

Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?* yup! love seth...

Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.?* nope...

Which radio stations are your favorites?* wave, magic, rx, jam

Are you a Lost fanatic?* i was...

[[Be honest]]

Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in yourlibrary?* nope...

Queen?* i dunno...

Alanis Morissette?* buong playlist puro alanis....

Do you watch Family Guy regularly?* nope...

King of the Hill?* nope...

[[Admit it]]

Do you read trashy romance novels often?* nope...

Do you really work out every day?* nope...

Have you ever eaten an entire pint, or more icecream by yourself?* haha...yup!

Have you ever eaten nothing but junk food for aweek straight?* nope...

Do u shower every single day?* of course!

Do you ever forget to give a Christmas/birthdaypresent?* yup...aus lng nmn un dba? hehe

Do you sing obnoxiously in the car when you'redriving alone?* i dont drive...and i dont own a car...hehe

Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when noone's home?* yup!

Have you ever watched a little kid's show when youwere over 12?* still do...

Have you ever looked forward to going to school?* i used to...

[[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren't SoNecessary]]

Have you ever pretended your crush was with youwhen they weren't?* whadda?!!! ano?! baliw b q?! haha

Did you draw pictures for your first crush back inelementary school?* nope...i dunno how to draw...

Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didnt ask her/himout because you were afraid?* huh?! ewan...

Have you ever written a poem/story about your lovelife?* of course...still do...

Have you ever spent over an hour thinking aboutnothing but your crush?* grabe nmn...

Have you ever liked someone solely for theirappearance?* haha...kya nga dame q crushes eh...hehe...crush lng nmn ah...hehehe

[[The Questions You Love: Completely and UtterlyPointless Ones]]

Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on adaily basis?* nope..

Are you ever a freak about cleanliness ororganization?* sometimes...

Have you ever been to South America or Africa?* nope....wish i could...

Do you know how to knit?* a bit...

Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patternedcover?* nope...

Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself andput them in your profile?* nope...

Do you keep a diary or journal online?* yup!

When you open your closet, what is the dominantcolor of your closet?* dark blue...

[[Truly Unusual This or That Questions]]

Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?* huh?!

America or Canada?* neither...

Physics or chemistry?* physics

Earphones or headphones?* earphones...

pink or teal?* pink...

Earrings or a ring?* both...

Commitment or casual dating?* commitment...

Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings* harry potter

Fly or road trip?* road trip

Starbucks or Caribou?* starbucks

[[Another Wave of Random Questions]]

What is your favorite Disney movie?* cinderella, anastacia, beauty and the beast, alladin, mulan,
lion king, finding nemo, the incredibles, monster inc.

How much jewelry do you own?* i dunno...

Have you ever bought clothing at sears?* nope...where is that anyways?!


now i know...

i cant have everything...i have to experience failure in order to grow...i gave it my best shot but its still not enough...im not hurting anymore...im ok...that's all i can do...its the BEST i can do...im definitely gonna fail two subjects this term,..but i could still take it up next term... its not the end of the world...life goes on...my friend, alvaro said "my grades doesnt reflect my personality.." and i think he's right...sooo right...haaayyy...



i got over my slight 'school stuff' depression...i think...and something new is building up again...something called 'wish-i-cud-get-over-you' depression...haha...haha? haayyy...

"oh the leaves they fall they go so far sometimes...
do i blame the wind or the tree that let it go...
or do i,,wave goodbye..."
there's nothing that i held onto...so there's no reason for me to let go...sad but true...wish i havent felt this way in the first place...then i wouldnt be having this dilemma...it's all my fault coz i fell for all those shit that he does to me, thinking there really is something when in fact there's none...everything's a big joke...well i guess that's really how some things go..


am i?!

am i being too celf-centered?! do i pity myself too much?! should i just accept that shit really happens to each and everyone of us and that i really should move on with my life and stop sulking bout my failures?! im soo hurting inside...and it hurts even more that nobody is strong enough to dig deep into me to find out what's bugging me...feels like nobody cares...i could just drop dead and nobody would even notice . . .


i told myself i wont cry...not anymore...but its really hard not to...and the bad thing is, i dont have an idea of why the heck im crying...im sooo depressed...i feel like im sinking into a hole...and i cant seem to get out...i cant seem to help myself...nobody's helping me pull myself up...i feel like everyone's pushing me down...

i want to stop crying...but i just cant...

would you?!!

if i stop breathing, would anyone care?! if i die, will anyone cry?! just a thought...coz breathing these past few weeks is getting a little exhausting for me...same old shit happens everyday...i go to school, feel stupid, i go home, feel stupid, then i go to bed feeling more stupid than i did the day before...i thought this "me-feeling-stupid" thing is just a temporary feeling, but why is it not going away?!!!! ugh!!!!
i was thnking that maybe if i stop breathing, everything will be ok, and i wont be feeling any of these anymore...and im pretty positive that its true coz if i stop breathing ill be dead...but i dont wanna die just yet...i still have lots of plans,,,for myself and my family...ugh!!!! i really hate this feeling!!!! maybe i need counceling...i dunno...or maybe i just have to get through this shit on my own...like i always do...
am i overly dramatic?!!!!! ugh!!!! i hate having to go through shitty days...but i guess everybody goes through it right?! so its really no biggie...ugh! i really am stupid...i keep on saying stupid stuffs...
if every normal student experience failing a subject, then maybe i dont want to be normal...


i want you to want me - save ferris

want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.

Ill shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me.
Didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.

Ill shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me.
Didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.

Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.


letting go...(???!!!!)

i want you to want me...
i need you to need me...
i love you to love me...
im beggin you to beg me...

waaaahhhh...it was so foolish of me to even think that...ugh! never mind...i dont wanna even think about it...it makes me even sad knowing that he's the one i ultimately want but cant have...
'ultimately'...such a strong word...have i gone to that level? the level im most afraid to go to? well i dont know...i really dont...all i know is that i constantly think about him and i want to be with him all the time...if you think that's 'falling for someone', then maybe that's what it really is...and it scares the crap out of me...i dont want to feel this way...coz i know its not gonna get me anywhere...ill always be 'just a friend' and we'll always be 'just friends'...crappy isnt it? im scared...scared that i might not be able to contain what im feeling...scared, that because of this feeling i might drift away from him...scared, that when i stay away, he might notice my true feelings...terrified, that when he finally knows, he might make fun of my feelings...
bullcrap! i hate feeling this way....my heart feels like its gonna explode from hiding wut it trully feels and my brain feels like its gonna explode from info overload (school stuff)...
haayyy...i need a sabbathical...seriously...i need to get away from all this stuff...i need to get away to make myself feel ok again...to make me regain my self-worth...i feel so freakinly stupid...i feel like a low-life pond scum...yeah, i feel that low...i may look happy,,but im really not...but who the heck cares anyways?! nobody...im better off with just me, myself and i...



lately, all ive been ranting about is me failing my subjects...well, now its official...ITS OVER FOR ME!!!! hahaha...i wasnt so sure before but now im pretty much certain although still not quite quite certain...labo...i dont wanna fail but i guess that's just how everything goes...they say one have to experience failure in order to grow as a better person..but why the heck do i have to experience it now?!!! why didnt i just sucked in high school and become great in college??!!! why does it have to be the other way around?!!!! @&%$@#)($!!!!!! oh well...i just have to do better next time...
moving on to a more boring subject...i hate my english prof!!! i use to love the subject english but having her as a prof made me despise it...aargghh! she's so freakin demanding! she makes us do all these stuff and she keeps on shouting at us..she's not even teaching!!! ugh!!!
ive said this before, ill say it again...im getting really tired of breathing...everything seem to suck...but ill hang on...


love this song...


Can’t believe how you set me freeThe way you purify this soul don’t you knowGot you into my arms now I’m never letting goThis old dog is finally home… finally home… GO!
ChorusTell me what you wantI’ll pay the priceWhat’s money I’ll roll the diceLose it all I take the fallI’ll let it rideAs long as I have you at my side
Friend or foe you come to meWasn’t sure how deep a hole I was getting intoYet I choose to wake up every mornin with a smile on my faceOr see life for what it is one big fat race… GO!
I’ve played the foolThinking I can catch you off guard and score another night with youBut the tables have been turnedThis boy’s about to get burnedBut before I go I gotta know - gotta know
Let’s not forgetYou kept me waitingWhat can I do to get through to youTired of singin to myselfI need a lessonI need a blessingThe shoe fits all we need is a little glueI hate what you do
Tell me what you wantTell me what you wantTell me what you wantTell me what you want



nkakaines!!!!! i cant get that freaking engot man out of my mind!!!! this has gone too far...its making me go nuts....donuts....wahahaha...sakit ko sa ulo....see?!!! ive gone crazy thinking bout him...its like he's giving me all this signals and i dunno whether he's kidding or not...i mean, why cant he just stop doing what he's doin to me? its making me like him even more....haaayyyy...hirap ng gn2....haaayyyy....


i feel so down...

im so depressed...i feel so fuckin stupid...i cant let this feeling go...the feeling that im like the most stupid person in this entire planet...everyone's saying that everything's gonna be fine, but my stupid brain wont accept it...everything's not fine, and i really dont think that its going to be...ive never felt this stupid before...im breaking down...again...i dont think i can take any more pressure and stuff...everything in my life right now is so totally going wrong...im getting really tired of crying almost every night whenever my stupid flunking grades cross my mind...why cant i stop crying? when will my depression pass? i really wish it would pass as soon as possible...but like my situation, i dont think my depression's going away soon...let me get this straight first, im not a grade conscious person, but i dont really like to be ranked last, thats whats making me feel bad...shallow, you think? i know...but i cant help it if that's the way im feeling...i got used to being always near the top,,,so this last rank thingy is so totally new to me...i really wish the feeling would go...i got so close to giving up,,you know, like dropping my subjects and stuff...good thing i got back to my senses...i need help...im like, already dreading the day the tests results would be returned...i wish i wouldnt feel anything on that day...wish i could be numb on that day...haaay...


wuts wrong wit me?

so waddafuck is wrong it me?! beats me...even i, dont know the answer to my own freakin question...it seems that everthing is going so totally wrong...i keep on flunking my tests even though im studying my ass every fuckin day and i keep on feeling all these bad feelings and its really making me so depressed...i dunno what the heck im supposed to do anymore...its like nothings ever going the way i want it to be...i hate days like these...days when everything seems to pour down my freakin soul...its starting to get a little exasperating...a little out of control...and you just kinda want to let go...but i WONT! i know better than that...i just have to hold on a little tighter and wait til everything is fine again...coz eventually, it will be...i know it will...so till, it does, i just have to keep on reading and solving til my eyes cant take it anymore, and keep on taking deep breaths so that the feeling will pass...i hope i make it through...i really do...



INLOVE ka ba or LOVE mo sya? Kala ko datipareho lang iba pala!! basahin para maliwanagannaman tayo.It's definitely different when you love someone andwhen you're inlove with someone"explanation:alin nga ba ang mas malalim?Loving someone or Being in love with someone?marami sa atin ang na confuse tungkol dito.Ikaw ba ay may girlfriend o boyfriend ngayon?Mahal mo ba siya pero parang may isang tao naparang mahalaga din sayo.o may mahal ka na akala mo eh mahal mo ngasiya pero meron ka pa rin isang tao na minamahalng totoo.Kapag love mo ang isang tao masaya ka..Feeling mo ok na ang lahat...pero ang ma-inlove ka, ang siyang pinakamasakitsa lahat!Kasi ang mga taong inlove ay ang mga taongngsasakripisyo at ngpaparaya.Teka bakit ka nga ba ngpaparaya?Dahil ba hindi ka niya mahal o dahil hindi kasiguradong ok lang sa kanya?Kung yan ang dahilan mo, walang duda na inloveka nga sa kanya.Kasi iniisip mo kung anong meron kayo sa ngayonang tanging mahalaga at kontento ka na.Pero isipin mo paano kung mawala ang taong yonat talagang hindi na kayo mag-usap atmagkita,kaya mo ba?Paano naman kung sayo siya inlove at ibinigayniya ang lahat para sayo pero hindi monapahalagahan ang lahat ng ito kaagad!Paano kung isang araw naguluhan na siya sayo nghusto at maisipang lumayo na lang?Paano kung sa sobrang pagiging iba mo sa kanyadi ka na niya kausapin at tuldukan na niya ngtuluyan kung ano na ang meron kayo?Then bigla mong na realize kung gaano kaimportante sayo ang bawat isa kaya lang wala nasiya!Kaya mo ba?Kung hindi ang sagot mo, malinaw na inlove kanga...Paano naman pag mahal mo lang, kapag mahalmo lang,alam mo na palagi kang may choice,ayaw mo siyang mawala dahil alam mong walakang ipapalit.Yung masaya ka sa kanya pero sa gabi hindinaman siya ang iniisip mo.Mahal mo siya pero aminado ka sa sarili mo nabalang araw hindi siya ang pakakasalanmo.Mahal mo siya pero ang puso mo hindi lang pra sakanya..Mahal mo at masasaktan ka pagnawala siya peroalm mo na kaya mo yon.Ngayon anong nararamdaman mo ngayon:DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE or YOU'RE INLOVEWITH SOMEONE?Isang araw magigising ka na lang na INLOVE kana nga pero kahit anong gawin mo ay huli na.Dahil maaaring yung taong INLOVE din sayo aywala na pala.Tandaan mo: Masyadong mapaglaro ang pusohuwag tayo magpaloko!!!We learn to love someone pero minsan langdumating sa atin ang pagkakataong ma-inlove!!!Kaya kapag dumating ito, ano ang gagawin mo?


this is really bad...

i hate the person i see every time i look at the mirror....i dunno why, i just do...
have i ever mentioned that i have been bulimic for, like a few months when i was in high shool? that period in my life really sucks...all i do is eat then feel really bad by what i did, then at night, just before i go to bed, i barf everything i ate during the day...and yeah, i used a toothbrush...self-induced vomiting...i kept doin that for like, almost a year..i hated those days...felt so damn ugly...then i saw this movie about a girl with bulemia...i stopped making myself barf...i did it all on my own...i had become a bulimic and an ex-bulimic without anyone knowing...
i dont want to go back to that...im convincing myself that the girls i see on tv are not as perfect as they seem and that i should be really thankful coz i have all my limbs and that my brain is working perfectly...i dont want to feel ugly anymore...i dont wanna go back to being a bulimic...i know i can do this...
i've done it once...i know i can do it again...God will help me,,He always does...


life's a bitch...

life can get a little bitchy at times...i mean i've studied real hard for my EE test but i still flunked! i got a big fat 8/100!!! kumusta nman un diba?! i feel really stupid, specially because my classmates are real-life jimmy neutrons...i feel so intimidated...but oh well, its just a quiz...my life certainly doesnt revolve around a single quiz...haaayyyy...



spent the day with my high school friends-my soul sisters...i had the greatest time...we ate lunch, cooked spaghetti, made a frothy coffee drink and watched a video together...twas so fun...havent felt that happy for quite a long time now...wish we could do this every week...damn schedules...


para kang tanga minsan nakakabwisit na,
ang dame mong tanong, nakaka-aburida.
iniisip mong totoo ang 'yong nakita,
anong kaengotan yun? diba ako nga'y artista?
wala nman sanang problema,
kaso'y nagiging paulit-ulit na, para cd na pinirata.
kung totoo man yon, eh ano nman sayo?
so talagang feeling mo, ikaw ang aking sikreto?
sasabihin ko sanang "ang kapal ng muka mo!",
kso di ko magawa, para ksing totoo...
pagpasensyahan niyo na ang tula kong ito,
wala lang akong magawa, mejo bangenge pa ako.

saturday night...

went to the movies with my mom...we went to see superman returns...twas a really great flick, brandon routh is a hunk-a-chunk-of-burning-love...haha...



whats goin on in that big brainy head of yours?! your absolutely, so totally driving me nuts! argh! your killing me!!!!!!!! i dont like this feeling....its frustrating...



i cant figure out why i like him so much...he's not even cute...i guess i like him because he have this way of getting in my nerves which is really cute...he's the only person who teases me and gets away with it coz with other people, i usually have something to say to get back at them, but with him i get really...hmmmm...tounge-tied? i like the way i get "goof-happy" whenever he's around...my insides shiver whenever he's around me...*sigh* i thought i was through crushing over him but here i am again blurting out what i feel whenever im with him...i dont get it...why cant i get him out of my head? and it seems that im liking him more day after day...


everything sucks...

it was over before it even began...i guess i just have to accept the fact that while some good things never last,,some dont even start...i hate this...everything sucks...


the da vinci code

i dunno why a lot of people are fussing bout this movie...i read it, its kinda convincing but it doesnt convince me...why do some people want to stop the filming of this movie? i dont get it...is their faith so low that if they watch it, it will get shattered? is that how they see this movie? if we really have our faith and its really strong, then we'll always have it no matter what, right? the movie wont change what you believe in if your faith is strong enough...only low-life faithless scums will fall apart by watching the movie...


havent seen him in quite a while..

its been what...4 months?! since i last saw him...he's so darn cute though he looks like an "engot" sometimes,,well, most times...i cant believe he already have a girlfriend...that explains everything, i guess...i wish we were closer to each other, i mean, i dont know if we're cousins or what,,all i know is he's cute and i like him...does that make me a freak?! haaayyy its so hard to like someone and not let him know...he's been going trough my mind for such a long time already and i want him out...hehehe...all my entries this past month is about him and i think its time to let go,,i mean, what im feeling doesnt get me anywhere, does it? so i think its time to let go...hehehe...that's all for now...ta-ta!


ayoko ng ganito...

ano ba?!!! wut the heck is wrong wit me?! naiinis nq...sobrang frustrating...bakit ba xe to nangyayari saken?! ayoko to ma-feel...ampangit...nanghihina aq...naiiyak aq di ko lam kung bakit...grabe...asa pa ko no....sobrang linaw eh..di aq non gusto...sobrang linaw...crystal clear...ganon lng un xe humahanap lng ng contact...malamang sa malamang he's a guy and he's not doing that coz he likes me...kase nman noh...bakit ganito..yoko ng ganito eh....lage nlng tong nangyayare saken...im so fuckin frustrated!!! everytime i look at him nagugulo mundo q...grabe...nakakaines xe he's the one person i ultimately want but cant have...grabe...ayoko na...yoko magsabe khit knno...ibang level na ata toh...we're friends...and i know that's all we'll ever be...


adeek na ko...

haaay...people are all the same, and we only get judged by what we do, personality reflects name, and if im ugly then so are you...so are you...haaayyy...am feelin so damn ugly today...i think i failed a test i prepared for like a whole night...i didnt even get to sleep...kakabadtrip...basta...adeek na yata ko...i cant stop thinking bout him xe eh...nkakaines xe muka nman siyang engot...but why the heck do i like him?!!!! waaah!!! nkka-urat!!!! sana pumasa ko sa computer...pati sa physics...pati sa calculus...haaayyy...hirap mag-aral...lookin forward to summah...sana payagan aq sa swimming...la lng...yoko na mag-isip...naloloka na q....

i think nagiging sobrang adeek na geeky na ewan na hindi ko maintindihan...ang gulo ng life ko!!!! bakit ka kse ganyan?! layuan mo na nga ko!!!! kinikilig ako eh...kaw kase eh...kung di ka ganon in the first place hindi ako magkakaganito...ang gulo gulo mo!!!! bahala ka sa buhay mo!!! ayoko na...hahaha...para kong baliw...hahah ü


one more time...*wink*

grabe...mukang napupunta na q don...ayoko...im scared...am not the type who blurts out what i feel...yoko tlga...xa kaya?! pareho kaya kme?! sana...grabe...grabe tlga...so totally unexpected...sobrang unlikely den...nahihiya aq sa mga tao...mainaarte xe q eh....haaay buhay...sana lang pareho kme...pero lam ko hindi xe sa tingin q am not the type of girl he likes...pero ayos lng un...bsta fwends kme...pwede na un...nilalamig tlga ko pag dumidikit sya...pag malapet xa...lalo na paghinahawakan nia ko...grabe...tpos un...sana mawala nlang to...yoko tlga...basta...bahala n...



i cant possibly fall for him...hindi pwede...yoko ma-fall sa isang tao na lam ko nman na la na nmang patutunguhan...i dont want to fall for a guy ho doesnt feel the same way about me...or does he?! waaahhh...ano ba to! this 'thing' has been bugging me for like days already...ayoko nmang sabihen xe ayoko mapahiya...ano ba to...yoko na...sana lng if he likes me den sabihin na niya sa naguguluhan ako...waaaahhhhh...bakit ako maguguluhan eh la nman xa gngwa para maguluhan ako dba?! fwends lang nman tlga kme diba?! diba?!!! diba?!!!!!!!! ampf!!!!!!! eh bakit mo hnhwakan ako?! wag nia nga ko hawakan! nilalamig aq!!!!! wwaaaahhhh!!!! yoko na!!!! mag-aaral na lng aq!!!!ü


naku nman...

i think im starting to really like him...waaahhhh...i think about him every freakin time...i dreamt about us having a baby boy...waaahhhh...i really dont like what im feelin...its scaring me coz i really dont want to fall for anyone right now...specially for someone i never thought i would like from the very start...wahahahaha...im goin nuts...


wuts wrong wit me?!

i dunno wuts been goin on with me...there's this time that i cried for two nights, before i go to sleep coz i feel so sad and unfulfilled...i feel that nothing good is goin on with my life and honestly, im getting really pissed...my friends...i dont feel them like i used to...they said ive change but thats a constant thing right?! change...if one doesnt change then one doesnt grow...im right, right?! they said that im doing all these things that i dont usually do and they think its a bad thing...i mean how could enjoying myself be a bad thing...i guess they just dont know what im really feeling...i keep on hinting that im getting really tired of breathing, i really am,,but i guess they think im just joking...i dont feel really good nowadays, emotionally...eversince i turned 19 ive started feeling that way...mind you ive only turned 19 like days ago...there's just times when i feel like cryin but i dunno why i would...does that mean im going crazy?! i think i really need help...its a good thing that i always think about God when im down, He helps me feel good about myself...God keeps me together...He helps me look at the broken pieces of my life then He helps me fix it...i feel really down..i just have this really happy facade but deep down im so sad...and what adds even more to the sad feeling is that i dont know the reason why im being sad and its getting really frustrating...i want to shout, to scream, to let my friends see me cry...i hope this feeling would pass....and one more thing, my friends keep on pressuring me to be in a relationship but how could one be in a relationship if he/she doesnt feel good about hisself/hersself?! neweiz,,,i had a "final destination" like experience...it was really scary...waahh!!! i wish they'd all notice thats sumthin's bugging me...im not really good with expressing my feelings...i think ive said it all...i just have to release my emotion...so,,imma go now....


poem 2-8 (aka-kakornihan at kasentihan ni che)

when wil i be the one in glee,
with the person who'll alays stand by me?!
when can i look deep in his eyes,
stare at him forever, without jokes, without lies?!
when will he realize that im just right here,
waiting for the dy tht my heart he'll hear?!
when will he hold me in his arms,
look in my eyes and daze me with his charms?!
when will i be ble to snap out of this dream?!
when will i be free from all of my fears?!
i guess i'll always be this way,
waiting for the day, in my life he'll stay...ü


so feeling mo naman ikaw un?! kapal ng muka mo ah!!! kainis! filingero ka ah! tumigil tigil ka nga baka sipain ko yang pagmumuka mo! kapal mo bwict!!!!!

lost in a moment...

10 reasons why i think i like him....
  1. i think about him constantly
  2. i cant stop talking when he's around...
  3. i smile everytime i hear him sing...
  4. i always wunna be around him...
  5. i feel sad whenever he's with her...
  6. i....
  7. i.....
  8. i......
  9. i.......
  10. i cant complete this freakin list which only means i dont really like him-LIKE him...maybe i just like the thought of him or maybe i just want to be his close friend...

i dont get it?! why do i always feel attracted to guyz who look like that?! i mean come on chia! wake up!!!!! hahaha...ü


im spinning around...or maybe it just feels like it...

i had a really as in totally bad day...i had to do this speech for my english class but the topic is so not working for me...slept on the floor at 3 in the morning, had to wake up at 7, got my period, attend pe class (basketball) then go to english class...how hectic could my schedule get?! i almost fell asleep during physics and i feel like all the blood in my body has been released( girls, u know wut i mean) waaahhh...i feel really stressed and my body is ready to collapse anytime...i ish i could have a break coz i really dont think that i can go on like this you know, being soo busy and stuff...anywayz, read a new book called stainless longganisa by bob ong...its really nice...i really like the author cause he doesnt conform to what people expect him to do...he's his own man...he just do what he likes to do and write about stuff he likes..i admire people like that...wish i could be more like him...just not in the academic sense since he said so himself that he sucked in school...hehehe...my head is killin me...think i gotta go sleep so check back later...ta-ta!



im so freakinly infatuated...i really dont understand that feeling,,,yah know when you cant stop thinking bout someone...waaahhh!!!! why am i always sad and blue knowing that my feelings are so damn true..waaaah!!! tamo biglang naging poetic!!! waahh!!! am out na nga! im just scaring the hell outta me eh...ü


dang! i got lotz of stuff that i need to do( bat ako and2?!)...the profs are killing us...they should go to jail yah know for torture...why do we need to do all those stuff anyways?! i mean, wut is the freakin point?! i dont get it...waahhh...

A Beautiful Love Letter

A Beautiful Love Letter

When you think of your past love you view it as a failure. But when you find a new love you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or who lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go! You know you really love someone when you want him/her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not part of it. Everything happens for the best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you give it a try. You’ll never love a person you love unless you risk for love. Love strives hurting. If you don’t get hurt, you don’t learn how to love. Love doesn’t hurt at all the time, though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s falling in love because you don’t force yourself to fall. You just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing its chapter. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure nor won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing. The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even better than we love ourselves. On falling out of love, take sometime to heal and get back on the horse. But don’t ever make the same mistake of riding same one who threw you the first time. To love is risk rejections, to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the hazard in life is to risk nothing! To reach for is to risk involvement, to expose you feelings is to expose true self; to love is to risk not to be loved in return. How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that you give joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be. For all the heartaches and the tears, the gloomy days and fruitful years, you should give thanks, for you know that these were the things that helped you grow. Loving someone means giving him/her the freedom to find his/her way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but must be taken no matter how scary and painful, for only then you’ll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk, if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love. There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love because every time we do, we get hurt, then I figured that’s why it’s called falling in love. When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love refuse to let it die!


im sick...i hate it...

i hate this feeling..just when i thought i could really like this someone,,,waaahhh!!!! im so fuckin torn!!! its just that he has that certain something that really mkes me so freakinly into him and i really dont understand why im feeling the way im feeling, i mean we're not even that close and i dont even know him that well but why do i think my heart broke when i found out about him and her?! waaaahhhh!!! i feel like all the bad shit in this insane world is happenin to me!!! i have such bad luck!!!