19.12.07

what was i suppose to do, huh?! tell me! putang ina kase eh!

where is apathy when you badly needed it?!
bahay ampunan ba kame?
what was i thinking? am i even thinking?! now that's the better question. i can be to damn impulsive sometimes, it's not even funny.

and another thing, im too damn emo(do i even have to tell you that?). well, whatever.

im a paranoid, self-centered, pretentious, emo, shit head.

emo. emo. emo

is there a drug out there that can cure emo-mixed-with-paranoia syndrome? i badly need to take a pill for that, it's maiming my perfectly ordinary life.

dammit!
i guess no matter how much you want things to stay the way they are, they almost never do. its sad, and it makes you want to cry and wallow but sometimes, it's just the way things go and we just have to accept the sad fact that some things were never meant to last. we meet new people and eventually lose them. no one ever stays. everyone stabs the shit out of everyone else's back. sad.

maybe everyone's meant to leave me alone or maybe im bound to be a sort of a "fall back" for the rest of my lonely life.

sometimes i wonder if there's something wrong with me? am i too moody? too shallow and materialistic? too unbearable to be with? damn. im crying, and this is supposed to be a happy night. i can't believe it took me this long to realize that things will never be back the way they were. it's hella stupid of me not to notice, i mean, i already saw this coming, i just never thought it'll be this fast. this soon. i just wish i was given a chance to prepare, to detach my emotional string so it wouldn't hurt this bad.

there are things that i guess we'll never really understand, or at least I'LL never get to understand. the people you care for always leave and the one's you never thought would stay does stay. sometimes the people you're majorly pissed at usually turn out to be the ones who'll never leave your side. i wish people have and expiry date written on their forehead so we'll know if they'd be beside you for a long time or not, coz it suck to build an emotional relationship with someone only to find out in the end that they'll only be staying for a short period of time.

shit. shit. shit. i can't stop crying. this is why i hate having someone to share my room with. this is the price i have to pay for being so 'nice', if that's what you can really call it.

- privacy in my house is dead.

shit im really morphing into an "emo". SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIEEEEEET!!!!

16.12.07

i love shooting stars!!!

yipee! i witnessed a meteor shower last night! my mom and i both cramped our necks waiting for the meteor shower, and friggin mosquitoes feasted on my legs but i fucking swear, it was all worth the wait. and the pain. and the itch. haha. i swear twas the most beautiful thing i've ever seen in my whole 21 years of being alive. all these time i thought that the black starry sky was the most beautiful view in the world(next to the aurora Borealis, which i haven't seen yet cause i haven't been anywhere outside luzon) but heck! i was clearly wrong.

i was kinda expecting a literal "shower" of meteors, but it clearly doesn't work that way. "shower" just means that shooting stars will be clearly seen and will continue to be seen the whole night til before the sun come out. it wasn't what i was expecting but it's just as beautiful.

oh! twas really amazing how nature works. i saw at least 21 shooting stars. i lost count when they my mom kept pointing at the ones i wasn't able to see coz i'm staring at something else. hehe.

i'll never forget last night. twas one of those memories you'll just have to have a space for. :D


10.12.07

my tummy hurts like shit!!!

i feel real awful, totally. i think i ate way too many pandesal.

i have to go, i think i need to barf.

wait, how many pandesals are considered as "too much"? coz i ate seven pieces, but i don't think that it's too much. i think it's just "enough" for a growing girl like me. right?!

the heck! who am i kidding?!!! im a friggin pig! and guess what?! i don't really care! haha!

9.12.07

i am not emo.

really, i'm not. my brother tells me that i am, though. i like emo songs and emo haircuts on super hot emo guys, but that doesn't make me emo.

or does it?

8.12.07

ho-hum.

how lame and pathetic could i possibly still get?! why the bloody heck do i babble, in every freakin chance i could get, about how great you are in doing something?! does this actually mean something?! is this my whole existence telling me how much i ... something?! ugh!

it's been too long, well, not that long, actually. i freakin thought i got over this frisson thing ages ago, but it seems that i was way mistaken. i hate it.

why do you have that much effect on me? what have you done to make me this 'crazy' for you?

i hate you. i really do.

i wish.

3.12.07

a quick run-down of things that happened these past few days.


1. earthquake.

yea. intensity 4 on the Richter's scale. this is the 2nd earthquake that i've actually felt in my entire life, and mind you, i wouldn't have felt it if jajan hadn't told me. yea, i'm that oblivious to the things goin on around me. i am so boo. boo me!

2. driving lessons.

more boo! i hate driving lessons! to be more specific, i hate driving lessons with my brother!!! would you believe, he freakin made me cry! pathetic, i know, but if you were in my position i bet you would've cried too! ok, so maybe not, but hey! he was shouting all the friggin time and he was being a total meanie to me. boo, right? i mean, it was my first time to drive and he could be just a little kinder to me, but no! he's a total monster the whole time. i stepped out of the car and walked home, i looked like a total moron. grrr.

3. uhm.

uhm........

i think that's about it. as what i've said a gazillion times before, my life is a total bore. so, ta-ta!

26.11.07

wishlist!!! haha!

christmas is in the air! im craving for so many things, heck! this is a quick run down of things i want to have this christmas. *wink,wink*

  • witch of portobello by paulo coelho
  • 5th avenue by elizabeth arden
  • ipod touch! my old one looks too darn crappy already
  • shu uemura make-up
  • clinique blush-on
  • a nice sweater, jacket or cardigan
  • a new pc. hehe
  • a mac powerbook
  • a new flips.
  • i want to have a six-pack!
  • hip hop abs! i need this to have a six pack! hehe
  • kitchen confidential dvd's
  • a sony cybershot digicam
  • a videocam
  • a really cute dress
  • a cute long-chained necklace
  • gossip girl dvd's
  • grey's anatomy dvd's
  • a really cute bookmark(the stainless ones are way way nice. :D)
  • ugly betty dvd's
  • heroes dvd's!!!
  • a new phone!!! preferably without a flashlight. haha!
  • books books and more books!!!
  • uhm....
  • i think that would be all...
  • oh wait...i almost forgot...
  • WORLD PEACE AND ERADICATION OF POVERTY AND HUNGER!

i really mean the last part. seriously. :D

24.11.07

what do you do when you suddenly feel apathetic? like, when you're with your friends and you suddenly feel like you don't belong and all the faces you see around you are faces of strangers who are trying so hard to make you feel like you fit in, when in fact, you really don't.

are you gonna cry or are you gonna try to smile, though you're totally crushed?

i did the latter.

i know its darn stupid of me to think that my friends are faking everything whenever they're with me, but i just can't get the darn feeling off my head. or heart. or whatever. they're just trying to make me feel better, i know, but it just feels like, i dunno! i feel even more morose when my friends try to make me do something for the sake of doing something. just because they're having fun, doesn't mean i have to feel the same, right?

i hate feeling so sad all the time! i'm not doing it by choice, it just pops in the weirdest of times.

i wish i'd stop feeling this way. it's too darn pathetic, feeling out of place all the time.

i just what to find a place where i can truly fit in, where i can truly be myself, without pretensions, whatsoever.

i just want to belong.

17.11.07

i feel ok. no rants. there's really not much to complain about. everything went well today - no bad feeling. it feels damn great. *sigh*

who am i kidding?!! i'm bored! where have all my freakin' contentment go?!

i ate too much today. i feel so bloated, i haven't taken a crap for 2 days. i feel like barfing. bleuch!

16.11.07

why do you have to be such an asshole? i really don't get you! i really hate you sometimes. you're way too much for me.

and i don't get myself either, coz dammit! i miss you so! i don't know what i'd do anymore, you're in my freakin head everytime, and damn the fucking circumstances! it always makes me think of you.

what you did really pissed me off but after some time, for some stupid reason, i realized that i don't really care. that's just you, and what you did - you just showed me that that's all i am to you. you're friend.

---


to the girl who currently annoys the life out of me: SHUT UP!

14.11.07

you looked my way but didn't really see
you heard my voice but didn't really listen
you touch my hand but you didn't really feel
[writer's block]

quote of the day:

waiting for someone you love is never easy. it may even be irrelevant, especially when the one you're waiting for isn't aware that you're waiting.

13.11.07

i saw you, and then i just wondered if you...forget it.

we all live in a world full of lies. you are just one big secret lie. i hate that i have to keep you(?). i so want you out. but i know i just couldn't, at least not for now.

everything's gon' be right again.

----

ancute talaga! ampepe naman oh! magshift ka na nga ng ece! haha!

12.11.07

ever felt like...

you hear a certain song and the moment you hear its melody you just can't help falling in love with it and by the time you hear the words, you're already addicted. not just that, whenever you hear it, you just feel an unexplainable connection with the song, as if it was written just for you and you just know in your heart that it's yours and no one else owns it or is allowed to own it.

you become selfish. you feel a certain sense of pride, pride in knowing that you have something written ever so beautifully just for you. then you start feeling that you're better than everyone else just because you feel that the song is yours and you're the only one who knows it.

and then...

on a very rare day that you decide to open your dusty old radio, it's there. your song. playing on the radio. top5 or 3 or 2 or even 1. you're mind blurs and you start feeling betrayed, like something so important was stolen from you. you become sad and lonely, and you wallow in the bitterness of knowing that soon, everyone will be singing you're song. still, you sing.

then you hear it. a melody, a new melody. your song. your new song. bad feeling gone. you remind yourself that no one is better than anyone. YOU are not better than any one. you're all the same, you can own everything. a song can be everybody's song. not just your's, definitely not just his, it's everyone's. you all can conquer the world, even if it's unbearably light and heavy at the same time. you smile (or pout). YOUR SONG. yea.

the cycle repeats. never ending. it's what keeps you sane.

it's what keeps ME sane.

11.11.07

you know what really suck? its when you want to really help someone but you really can't do anything. haay naku.

----

went out with my friends last night. it wasn't all that coz it's not exactly the 'gimik' we wanted, but twas fun. we get to talk and walk. a lot. twas already past 3am when i got home and i slept at about 5. i can't stop thinking about "the high school buddy". he's so cute dammit! haay!

8.11.07

i've a new dress,,,or blouse,,,or mini-dress...wudebur! i lurve it! can't wait to wear it! hehe

7.11.07

how come you dont....

not even a single....

for some reason that's totally alien to me, it hurts, just so you know...

i know i've told myself a gazillion times that it's just the ss syndrome, but i still can't get over the freakin tingling feeling inside this unbelievably huge stomach of mine. you just have this certain something that makes me,,,i dunno...blush, i guess...shiznit?!

darn! i really have to get over this!

btw, 2nd sem just started, i hope it rocks our freakin ass off! in a good way, i mean. hehe.

edited at 11.23pm. hehe.

why are books way too expensive. usually, the nice ones are the more expensive ones and it really suck. i lurve them books. i want them books. too bad i'm broke. damn sembroke.

30.10.07

back to normal.

translation: bati na kame. yay! :D

26.10.07

2 days. 2 friggin long days.

my mom's still not talking to me. the silence in our house is too unbearable, almost defeaning. i wished she'd stop giving me the silent treatment coz it's really killing me!!!!!

25.10.07

im getting the silent treatment. bummer.

23.10.07

OO NA! AKO NA ANG MASAMA!!!! LAGI NAMAN! WALA NA KAYONG KASALANAN PARATI NA LANG AKO!

SANA MAISIP NIO NAMAN NA KAYA AKO GANON EH DAHIL DIN SA GINAWA NIYO!! TAE NA NAMAN TALAGA OH!

CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THIS MAD HOUSE!!! PUNYETA!!!!!

OUT GOES MY TOTALLY GOOD MOOD!!! I BET I'LL BE HAVING NIGHTMARES AGAIN TONIGHT!!! FUCK!!!!
i had a close encounter with what i think was a small van today. and by the word 'close', i REALLY mean CLOSE. sometimes i wonder if i'm really THAT stupid, i mean, i ALWAYS have close encounters with various vehicles. ALWAYS. the thing is, i've never been scared of crossing the mean streets. NEVER. the way i cross the street, may it be a narrow road or a wide one, is the same as what i normally do when i walk - head either down or looking straight ahead.



















ok. i AM stupid.

i don't know why i even bother to make an argument with myself when i always end up losing to myself. haaay!

22.10.07

uhm, uhm...i've nothing to say.

well actually, i do HAVE something to say,

to our dean: you are such a schmuck!!! if you do continue what it is that you plan on doing, i am totally going to hate you! not that you care, but really, i'm so not goin to support any of your plans and projects! shove the freaking "oplan reshuffling" up your freakin ass!

there!

and one more, i'm selling perfumes! it's pretty darn cheap for something that's orig. AND, it's still negotiable. *wink, wink*

pahabol:

i lurve the movie "got to believe"!!! i've watched it for like a gazillion times already but i still get the giggles everytime i watch it. rico yan is just too cute! too bad he's dead. may he rest in peace. :'(

quote of the day:

"will you still love me in the morning?"

20.10.07

if i tell you "i love you", will you hold it against me?
i love peyton's podcasts! i've been itching to listen to it for like the longest time but i never really have the net connection to do it. i've only checked it out today, and omg, it's damn good. she sounds like a real person, almost like me with all the drama and shit she's going through or gone through or whatever, does it really matter? hehe.
why do yo have to look so nice when you're serious?

you really are killing me!

19.10.07

stuff.

i've done some thinking these past few days. its a pretty good time to think, having nothing to do and all.

i've realized that we are only as strong as we want to be, but no matter how strong we've become, there will be a point where our every being will decide to turn against us, and there, we'll never have an escape and we'll just have to break down until we eventually feel better. breaking down can be a good thing, sometimes. there'll always be a point where we have to let stuff from our deepest core go, and believe me, when you've let that thing go, it'll feel so freakin amazing.

aiun.

17.10.07

i woke up today and whoa! i'm chinese! as in super chinky-eyed, parang slit na lang eyes ko! tae.

i thought everything was ok, i thought I was ok, turned out that i was only making myself believe that i AM ok. i woke up in the middle of the night from a really weird dream, and i was crying. i thought crying while sleeping only happens in movies, well guess what? it totally happened to me! darn unbelievable. from the moment i woke up till i-don't-know-how-long, i was crying, well, bawling is the right term to use. grabe talaga. ai! i forgot to mention that i was already crying before i feel asleep, i think twas the reason why i fell asleep in the first place.

*sigh*

i've realized that one can't really keep everything to oneself no matter how hard one tries to hide what it is that he's hiding and that no one really gets numb, you just think that you've managed to deal with everything but then your whole being will decide to betray you and you're just gon' explode and you won't be able to hide from yourself anymore. it suck. even my own being loves to make me feel like shit even if i tried so hard to shove that shitness in the deepest trench of soul. i can't believe it was able to find its way out - almost like a geyser, and when it did found its way out, it gave me a fucking hard blow right in my face. pucha. ang saket, maga pa nga eh. oh well.

15.10.07

waah! a week hasn't even passed yet but here i am, already raking my brain dead head for something to do! argh!

14.10.07

akala mo naman jan! do you think i'm that desperate huh?!!!!! nakakainis ka...wag ganon...please...tae ka naman eh...siguro you think that it's that easy...well,,,yea...

Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.

- [aquarius] zodiac description


i agree with the "not a fighter" part, but with the "will knock your lights out",,,uhm,,,i dunno. hehe.

finals are finally over. sembreak IS IN our grasps. so?! sembreak doesn't really spell fun for me since i practically do nothing at this time of the year. sembreak's just another excuse of getting my already gigantic butt and arms even more humongous than they already are. it's just another uneventful holiday for yours truly, and i think it's gon' be more uneventful now that i've spent the money i've "supposedly" saved for this break from school. *sigh* this means that i'm gon' be staying at home for the whole break. what a drag!

oh, now that i've mentioned the word "drag", i've just remembered, there's this gay professor in AB, i don't really care that he's gay but for goodness sake! he's a motherfuckin cross dresser!!! bleugh! talk about being a drag!!!! give yourself some respect dude coz i assume that as a professor, you'd want your students to respect you too, right?! you could atleast NOT tell people that you're cross dressing! asar!!! [i totally don't mean to be prejudistic here, ok. it's just that, i think there are some things that are better kept to ourselves and as a professor, i think you should be careful of what tell your students. some people look up to you, you know.]

[emo thought:] ->ampangit pakinggan.

i miss my friends. feels like i don't have any right now. i feel so fuckin alone. friendless and unnoticed. nobody cares for me...fuck.



12.10.07

slacking...
slacking...
doing nothing...
just slacking...
plain slacking...
oh shit!
this can't be good...
can it?
wahahaha! my cousin just farted. she's sleeping and she farted, like, real loud. hahaha!!!! ok, can't stop laughing. haha! that was pretty weird dont you think? farting while asleep. haha! i hope i'm not a sleep-farter coz that would just be way embarrassing! haha!

gudnyt y'all!
You were always leaving your shit around
And gone without a sound
Yeah I'm the first to fall and the last to know
Where'd you go?
Now I'm heels over head
I'm hangin' upside down
Thinking how you left me for dead

-heels over head, boys like girls


patok! shiznit! patok na patok!!!!

11.10.07

nice work classmates! we should do that kind of cheating arrangement more often. ok, maybe not that often but we definitely should have that arrangement this saturday for the dsp exam! the heck! i don't even know if i'll pass that darn subject even if i get a perfect score in the finals. next sem, i'll remember to always record my quizzes. check!

im pigging out on choco pudding. wala eh, la magawa kaya kaen na lang. haha!

adeek ba ko? ba't pati *ikaw*iniisip ko?! fuck naman oh! shiiiiieeeeeeet!!!!!

10.10.07

double post. i just really have to rant about this -

what the fuck?!!! 9pesos?!!! minimum fare?!!! anla eh naman! gusto ga nilang mamulubi ang mga tao?! hindi naman nataas ang gasolina eh kumbakit gusto pa nila taasan ang lintak na pamasahe! aba'y walanghiya naman o! ako'y nandine at nagpapakahirap magbudget ng pamasahe para sa...wala lang! tapos biglang itataas ang pamasahe, hindi uubra! no deal!
while some people are getting addicted to meths, coke and some other "killer" drugs, here i am getting addicted to the one thing my friends would never thought i'd get addicted to - milk. hephep! not milk as in milk but milk as in milkee polvoron! its this blue, round, little stuff you can buy at a sari-sari store. it's effin good and damn addicting, i swear! i hate milk but this one really got me hooked! haha! has any of you tasted it?! you all should taste it, i swear you'll get hooked too! hehe. if i get fat [not that im thin/slim], it's definitely because of that stuff.

random thought:

why are some people totally ka-asar?! you know, people like...her and them. haha!

8.10.07

let go

So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, l-let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

-let go, frou frou


damn, i absolutely, without any whatever, lurve this song. yea, there IS beauty in the breakdown. really.

one exam down. can't believe i answered the questions right, i mean, i studied my ass and all but i wasn't AT ALL confident of my answers. but all those answers don't mean anything now coz i am freakinly sure that im gon' fail econ, i've failed every single exam [well, except prelims but it doesn't really count, with all the failed quizzes i have, prelim grade won't be of any help to me. dang.] he had ever given in the whole span of the semester.

i think it would be more fitting to say that i've one subject that dragged me down in the drain, yet again. fuck. why is it that i never seem to get a knack of any EE subject?! waaah. kakaiyak. :'(

but hey, there's beauty in the breakdown right?! right!

7.10.07

i'm in a school-core-study-addict mode.

phsssss. i wish. haha. but seriously, i have to get my game on. gotta immersed myself in school shit. so, after i turn this pc off, school immersion will HAVE TO be automatically ON. i mean it. really. :|

[a blatantly random thought memory]:

i dreamt that someone left her unwashed poop-stained knicker inside the classroom. eeeewww, really disgusting, and when the prof asked who owned the knicker, everyone looked at this girl who have the same color of poop-stain on her skirt but she refused to admit that the undies was hers. haha its a really stupid dream. stupid and icky. stupid and icky BUT funny. hehe.

and oh, in that same dream, the girls are wearing long, hideous looking skirts for their uniform, well except for me and some other girl. i guess we're not yet ready for the whole change of uniform shit. haha.

[end of not-so blatant random thought memory]

gotta go. ta-ta!
my shoulder and back fuckin hurts! ugh! i've been sitting here doing absolutely nothing productive for the past 4 hours or so. fuck. what the fuckin hell has become of me? i've officially become a big time bum, major slacker. the feck!

i think i'll just go to bed. sleeping is way better than slacking, right?! right?!!! rawr!

6.10.07

i took an IQ test online. seems like i've not gone stupid after all. i still have it baby! haha. imbang bobo ko talaga sa math. math stinks!


Mental abilities have the highest correlation with general intelligence of all objectively measurable abilities and they are the primary focus of this test. Furthermore the mental abilities targeted for measurement were specifically chosen because they have been shown to correlate highly with many other abilities. The graphs below show how you scored in various abilities such as pattern recognition and logical reasoning - skills which are all reliable predictors of academic achievement.

Graphical representation of intelligence scores.

Intelligence score chart


Verbal
Mathematics
Spatial
Logic
Pattern Recognition
General Knowledge
Short Term Memory
Visualization
Classification

Percentiles chart


Verbal
Mathematics
Spatial
Logic
Pattern Recognition
General Knowledge
Short Term Memory
Visualization
Classification


Strengths and weaknesses

Your highest score was in Verbal

Exceptional intelligence does not guarantee results -- to achieve excellence you must fully understand your strengths and learn to maximize your efforts. Knowing your greatest intellectual strength may give you insight into how you can improve your learning process, work better with others, or become more self aware of your abilities. According to this test your verbal skills are the most developed of all your intellectual capabilities - your capability to use language effectively and to communicate well is your biggest strength.

Your lowest score was in Mathematics

Weaknesses are the roadblocks we face when trying to achieve our goals. Awareness of your weaknesses allows you to predict problems and find solutions ahead of time, thereby alleviating future headaches. According to this test your mathematical skills are the most underdeveloped of all your intellectual capabilities - your capability to use numbers effectively and to reason well is your biggest weakness.


this day is just absolutely craziiiiiieeeeeee!!!!!!! i mean, what's up with everybody?! what's up with everything?!! everyone just keeps on unconsciously blurting out your name and every place i go to pops your name right in front of my face. yea, pop! like this afternoon before i go home, i went to the mall to buy some stuff, then POP! it's there, ever so huge! its like the mall's screaming your name to me! ugh!

i wonder if...ugh, never mind.

-------

i just have to say this,

Ms. Pereras is love. really. maybe that's the reason why i like listening to what she has to say. aiun. she hit me right on today. she made me cry pa. haaay.

gotta keep my eye on the bacon. i swear im gonna get you, no matter what it takes! rawr! dadating din ako jan, hintayin mo lang ako, and by the time that i do, i swear i'm gon' be great! haha! mukang sumobra naman ako sa confidence. haha!



random thought: becoming a social being isn't so bad after all. :D [stupid me, twas never a bad thing in the very first place.]

5.10.07

slacking. yet again.



i overlooked the page
and gone completely over my head

coz he's way out of my league

but i fell hard - undoubtedly head over heels.





-edited at 8:22pm-

i really have to stop slacking! waaa! i've a dsp test tomorrow and i haven't even started studying yet! plus i still have a crappy reflection thingy to do. im suppose to be doing that, but 3 hours have already passed and all i've typed so far was my name! ugh!

i have spoken too soon. damn. sad. sad. sad. sad. [sigh]

oh well. shit does happen right? and i probably am the unluckiest person in the world coz the shitiest of all shit almost always happen to me. me and my crappy, uhm, life.

crap crap crap.

feeling stupid as hell. gotta shake it off! hah!

2.10.07

i hate puddles. i hate mud. i hate mud puddles. so i dont understand why i walked home all the way from sauyo market. did i mention that it was raining pretty hard all the time that i was walking? ugh.

-------

i shouldn't be here. i shouldn't be slacking here in front of my pc, i should be studying coz i am so failing. yep. i am failing my subjects, again. weird thing is, i haven't done any bawling or whatsoever. i think i've finally realized that not all things are measured by how much one scored in an exam, that i'm not the only one who's going through all these fucked up grade stuff.

nah. who am i kidding, i'll never get over the fact that i already have two failing marks on my transcript and the pretty huge possibility that two more red marks will be added to my already awful academic record. blah! i think the only reason why im not too bothered with it is because i got so used to failing that my head actually got numb from too much "realization". hahaha. it really happens, numbness.

-------

it really hurts that i am so into you. i hate you for building me up only to let me crash down flat on my face. i hate you for not even bothering to tell me what you really are up to. i so hate me for being so into you. screw you.

1.10.07

my cousin's gon' be living with us starting today. she's gon' be staying in my room. i'm cool with it. really, i am. geez.

12:55am

am i?

26.9.07

i hate the way you always turn up in my dreams but never in real life...screw you for that.

21.9.07

i had a dream last night. i am pretty positive that you were there. i didn't see you, you were with me in my dream along with our friends. i heard your voice, ever so clear. your voice, just your voice, echoing from somewhere near.

i can't believe that even my dreams are clearing things out for me - i can never be with you.

20.9.07

bitterness. can't stop thinking bout the fob concert. crap.

19.9.07

sold out na... :'(

naman!
you are:

the voice in my head. the pain in my chest that never goes away. the freakin wood under my bed. the nail that's being drilled into my head. the annoying buzz in my moment of silence. the light flashes i see. the annoying tinga stucked in my wisdom tooth. the hangnail i can't bite off. the itch on my back. the heart i've fallen into.

this suck. i thought shove this feeling away already. i thought i've already made myself believe that i was just caught in the moment. ugh! what did i do to deserve such torture?! what have you done to me, huh?! i can't believe i fell into you're luring, uhm, something. bleargh!

18.9.07

CHRIS TIU: win or lose you're the guy i choose! hahaha!

ateneo lost to la salle by a mere point and because of that, they're gon' be the ones our team will be battling with on i-still-don't-know-when. its gon' be a do or die game where the losers will be rank four in the league. i've all my fingers crossed, both hands and both feet. hehe.

i so badly want to watch fob's concert here in manila!!!! my heart beats twice as fast every time i hear or see an fob commercial, song or video. waah! anyone want to be my sponsor?! come on! i know you guys want to watch too, so why not buy an extra ticket and bring me along with you?! sounds like a lot of fun right?! haha! ugh! why does their freakin concert ticket have to cost that much?!!! i could already buy a really nice external hard disk with 5k and i'd still have a change! waaah! it's not that im a cheapskate[actually, i am. hehe.], im just being practical here. it's really hard to save money kaya tapos i'll just spend it on one night of pure and absolute fun, no way?!

no way?! hmmm...

one night of fun sounds really good to me...hmmmm. waaah! this is torture! come on! will someone watch fob with me! gen ad lang oh. yes, gen ad - masa juice and all. hahaha. this is so frustrating and not to mention agitating. the concert's just one night away and i still haven't decided whether i'd watch or not. at one point, i was even considering watching the concert by myself, which is by the way, so freakin' impossible. haaay...the clock is ticking.

17.9.07

rawr!

the tigers had a hefty tamaraw dinner today.

woohoo! our team beat the crap out of feu, 80-69. do the math. haha. twas a really good game, the guys of feu are really tough and they can really shoot from the outside. i was dead nervous the whole game except for the last few minutes during the fourth quarter. feu put up a really good fight. kudos to them. but more kudos to us, we're in the final four, baby! woohoo! it will be really sweet if we will be the first to beat the winning streak of ue. am i asking for too much?! hehehe.

jervy cruz did good, as usual. japs cuan was amazingly exceptional today. notice the adjective i used to describe japs - exceptional; lemme remind you guys that he's the one i like the least in the team, so me, describing him using the word 'exceptional' is really saying something. he did lots of really good assists and he wasn't as bad as he usually is in the free throw line. he was really good today, i must say and so are all the players in team. CHEERS TO UST! we may not have won the title in the cheering competion but at least we're in the final four. i love my school! yea!

aiun, so, after the game, i went to sm north edsa to pay the bills. after doing that i was lured to nbs with a certain book in mind - macarthur by bob ong. it's his 6th book already and i was so thrilled to get my hands on it, certain that it will be a great read. bob ong have already written five books and none of those books have disappointed me so far, so i was quite certain that his sixth book will be, if not equally, even better than the five books he has already written.

moving on, i stayed there[nbs] for a good hour before i finally decided that what i'm doing is completely pointless coz i've searched every shelf in the filipino books section for like oh-so-many-times but failed to find the book that im looking for. i even asked three different sales lady and all of them game me the same disappointing answer - out of stock. and so i went to fully booked. i was distracted by all the new books i saw and felt the urge to buy a certain book written by an author who's completely new to me, but i shook off my urge and focused on my goal. i went to the filipiniana shelf and there, i saw it. i must have looked really goofy, smiling alone while flipping through the pages of the book. i paid for it then went home.

i wasted no minute and immediately opened the plastic wrap of the book and started reading. i finished reading it in less than an hour, it was a "thin" book. grabe, thin na malaman. it's the very first filipino book that made me gush into tears. bob ong never ceases to write something new, to go into a different side of literature other than what he's known for. that's what makes him a really good writer, at least that's what i think. kudos to bob ong, for being able to tug at my heart-strings[which is well connected to my tear glands] with his really touching and impacting words. grabe, hands down talaga. galeng, sobra.

excerpts fom the book:

sisisihin ni aling sally ang lahat, pero hindi ang anak nitong si noel.

"bakit ayaw niyong lumubog, mga tangna kayo?!"

...isinawsaw ang dalawang daliri sa loob ng inidoro, hinawi ang mga lumulutang na durog na tae, at dinampot ang maliit na plastic ng sinasamba niyang bato. dahil tapos na sa pagdadalawang-isip, mabilisan niya na lang ipinunas ang pakete sa laylayan ng pantalon at saka nilunok.

"dalawang dekada ka lang mag-aaral. kung di mo pagtitiyagaan, anak, limang dekada ng kahirapan ang kapalit. sobrang lugi. kung alam lang yan ng kabataan, sa pananaw ko eh walang gugustuhin na umiwas sa eskwela."


it's a must-read. grabe. ganda.

brain nugget: no one can overcheer who?! haha.
salinggawi dance troupe failed to bag the grand prize at the samsung cheerdance competition this afternoon, actually, make that yesterday, i forgot that its already 135am so that makes today, september 17. we lost to up by a mere 0.05 points. 0.05 points! the feck. i bet its because of the girl who failed to go up the pyramid. she fell off the same pyramid duing the pep rally and i kinda felt in my veins that she'll fall again come the real performance. haaay. so much for six-peat. oh well, being 1st runner-up isn't that bad. chill. xP

erratum: its 0.5 points, pala. my mistake. xP

disclaimer: im not really sure with the numbers, i've no idea on what the real score is so...just don't mind the data i've typed. xP

15.9.07

just got home from a friend's birthday celebration. i can't exactly call it a party. a party, for me, can only be called as so when there's dancing and some other stuff people do in a bar. uhm, it's more of an 'inuman session'. twas a blast i tell you, at least that's what i think. twas really fun. except for the time when my head started to ache, ugh!

ayun. GG. hehe. my head's still aching and i feel like barfing. asar. hindi naman ako nalasing, natipsy lang tapos sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko. daya. hrmf. yamot. kulet ng mga tao kanina. haha. kung ano ano na ginagawa. hahaha. i finally know how to play poker! woohoo!!!!

"salamat dooooooooooook..." hahahaha!!!!!

"mateo blooooooooooooooowww...." wahahahaahahahahahahaha!!!!! kulet talaga nila!

i was GG-fied by my mom. asar xeng traffic yan eh! bakit ba gabi na eh traffic pa dito samen?!!!! ines!!!!! haaaay.

waaah. i need a barf bag!!!! ai, im gon' get busted if i puke pala, i guess i just to swallow it. wahahaha! kidding! xP

CHILL.

14.9.07


i was bored, okay. xP
i need a new net firewall. any suggestions?

11.9.07

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.....

hurry up and get here.... 0_o

10.9.07

what the fuck!!!! how come i never heard of this article in the news?! ugh! im so at rage right now! i hate that girl. so she's hell rich, who cares?! id rather be poor and well-mannered than rich but with extremely poor values. blah! whoever brought her up certainly needs a spanking! the heck with her! BOYCOTT MANILA STANDARD!


Boycott Manila Standard Today

my brother's brief.

wahaha. i just thought that it would be really funny to post it online. haha. i don't understand why he still wear this when he has loads of new undies. jeeez. he also have a shirt that goes well with this brief. wahahaha! talk about being overly sentimental. wahahaha!!!!!
i had peanut butter sandwich for dinner. not exactly what you can call 'filling', but hey, it's still food, right? and everything that goes in the category 'food' is so fine with me. im such a pig. haha.

so, for your daily dose of senseless rantings, uhm. wait, i'll check my brain if there's anything worth ranting about today.

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ok, i can't find anything. weird. it's usually full of mindless rants and complaints, but today, i actually feel contented. that's something good right?! i need to have more of this 'contented' feeling. it's giving my face a somewhat 'youthful' glow. haha. no, seriously. i'm loving this feeling. im actually getting tired of feeling sad and empty and all those things a girl my age shouldn't be feeling. i don't want to worry bout stuff that hasn't happened yet. so, my grades- i'll do the crying when i officially find out that i failed. as for now, i'll study my ass off and just try to do my best so as not to reach the oh-so-sad-and-pathetic-at-the-same-time scene of me crying while reading my notes. once is enough. :D

anyhoo, i want to attend a ballroom dance class. seriously. i love doing the chacha and the boogie and all those other dances. it's really cool. if only i have someone who wants to take a class with me. haay. bumming at home isn't really as fun as i thought. wait, i didn't think it was fun pala. hehe.

moving on to a less interesting topic. i've realized that i'm not as into him as i thought i was. i think i just got really caught up in the moment that's why i instantly concluded that it was something when it really is nothing. make sense? no? well it does for me, so back off. hehe.

oh! i almost forgot, i was about to blog this yesterday but my net was whacked so i wasn't able to go online. ATENEO WON AGAINST DLSU! woohoo! chris tiu looked extremely hot that night specially with all those three points! sizzling! haha!

CHRISTOPHER JOHN ALANDY-DY TIU! MARRY ME!!!!!

wahahaha!!!! excuse me for the embarrassing outburst of emotion, i just can't help it. chris tiu's just really charming. hehe. :D

quote of the day:

it is very confusing to people in your life when you don't act the way that you're feeling.

-seth green to matthew lillard, without a paddle

8.9.07

im still up. dang, im so sleepy. i didn't sleep last night (read:pspice and multisim immersion). haay. uhm, i think i have a writer's block. i can't seem to think of anything interesting to type. my brain must be busted or something, all i could think of at this moment is how badly i want to curl in my bed and have a really long sleep.

stupid, eh?

haha. i guess i just really love torturing and depriving myself of things. haha. oh, i had my hair snipped by a gay guy today. i look, uhm, the same. haha.

boy, im really sleepy but i really can't get myself to turn off the fucking pc. haay.

does anyone want to watch fall out boy's concert in araneta this coming september 21 with me? you have to buy me a ticket if you want to go to the concert with me. i bet it'll be a blast, the band is like really cool plus you'll have the privilege to watch it with me. how effin cool would that be, huh?! haha. haaay. WAAAAAH! if only i have the cash. haha. damn. waah.

i was thinking of posting my doodles during dsp lab but i am to lethargic to do anything but sit here and rant about random things.

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ok, i think i really have to go now, my eyelids are betraying me. nyt nyt people!

wait, i just like to say that im currently so freakin addicted to the song 'grand theft autumn' by fall out boy. listen to it. i bet you'll be hooked too. do it. ;P


ps:*missinyou*


5.9.07

are you for real? do you really care? coz now, i've come to realize that maybe you really are a fake. a user. USER. damn people. maybe i'm better off alone.


have you ever cried so hard to the point that you can't breathe and you wish you'd never stop crying so you'd die?


wala lang. just a thought. i'm not crying or anything. i feel fine actually. i made polvoron. yum! haha.

so i had a breakdown last night. baliw talaga ko. for the record, i'm not gonna quit. only losers quit, and i'm not a loser. or so i believe. aiun. RAWR!!!

and tindi, emo-ng emo pala ko. hahaha! haaay

gotta go, pspice mode. xP

4.9.07

ayoko na sa ginagawa ko. ngayon, sure na ko. hindi na to yung tipong, i'm just having doubts. this is the real thing. hindi na doubt, seryosong REGRET na.

AYOKO NA TALAGA.

sabi ko sa sarile ko nung nabasa ko un book ni elizabeth berg, "no regrets". pag nakapili na ko, dapat maging happy ako sa napili ko at kung may makikita man akong mas gusto ko kaysa sa napili ko, pwede ko lang yon i-admire pero hindi ko pagsisisihan yung unang napili ko na. mahirap pala. lalo na kung yung regrets mo eh narealize mo kung kailan masyado nang huli ang lahat. kung kailan nandon ka na sa point na "konting" tiis na lang at maaabot mo na. ANG HIRAP.

ngayon, naisip ko na dapat pala nung umpisa palang narealize ko na. dapat nung first day palang ng pagiging kolehiyala ko eh naisip ko na dapat na mali ang building na papasukan ko, na hindi ako dapat nasa roque ruano, aka-engineering building, na hindi ako dapat naka-gray na blouse, wala dapat akong dalang t-square, hindi dapat ako nandito. maling mali. nung second year, binigyan na ko ng chance na makalayo, pero pinilit ko paden. sinabi ko sa sarile ko, "hindi, para ko sa course na to. dito lang ako. hindi ako aales. kakayanen ko to." ngayon, ako ngayon ang kinakaya kaya ng napili kong kurso. ako na ang namamanipulate niya. imbis na ako lumaro sa kaniya, ako na ang nilalaro niya. ang gosu ng course ko, napapaiyak ako halos lahat ng oras. nagawa niyang pababain ng mas mababa pa sa mababa ang self-esteem ko. halos araw araw nagagawa niyang isampal sa sarili ko na i'm not good enough for what i've chosen, na bobo ako. ayan, i've said it. siguro nga bobo ako. kahit gano kadami kong beses sabihin sa sarile ko na matalino ako, na nahihirapan lang ako, paulit-ulit sinasabi saken ng kursong to na kaya ako nahihirapan ay dahil tanga lang talaga ko. kung date hindi ako naniniwala, ngayon, naniniwala na ko. ata. sana hindi. ayan, napaiyak na naman niya ko. tae talaga.

bakit ba kailangan marealize naten na ayaw naten ang isang bagay kung kailan hindi na tayo pwede tumalikod? unfair.

nakaka-asar. date, alam ko, sigurado ako na para ko sa ECE. gusto ko naman talaga maging engineer someday eh, pramis! gusto ko talaga, pero bakit andaming walls na nagpreprevent saken para makuha un gusto ko? nahihirapan ka na nga, pinapahirapan ka pa ng mga bwisit na professors, and selfish people around me only adds injury to my already bleeding dream. fuck. i'm bawling. riot na utak ko. bakit ba kase kailang magpaimportante ng ibang professors? bakit kailangan nilang ipakitang magaling sila at the expense of their students? pucha. naranasan din naman nila magin studyante, bakit kung kailan sila na ang nagtuturo kailangan nilang alisin ang pagiging studyante sa sistema nila? monster na sila. sabi nga ni ms. perreras, robot-hindi social being.

sabi ni ms. perreras, ang isang studyanteng bumabagsak sa mga subjects niya ay mas matuturing pa na social being kaysa sa estudyanteng namamayagpag sa lahat ng klase. if that's the case, then maybe i don't want to be a social being. haaay naku, what am i saying. tae kase eh.

feeling ko ngayon, tatapusin ko nlang tong course na to dahil siya na ang naumpisahan ko. kung magiging successful ako, yan ang tanong. may naging successful ba sa paggawa ng bagay na ayaw niya gawen? meron naman siguro. sayang naman ang pinangtuition ng parents ko kung magiging basura lang ako diba? takte.

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*sigh*

hinga lang ng malalim che, kaya mo yan. lagi mo naman kaya eh, nagpapass naman lahat ng hardships eh, ayun nga lang this time, mejo napatagal siya bago umales. feel at home masyado eh. you have to beat it first before it beats the crap out of you. ganon dapat. ibahin mo na mind-set mo. kaya mo yan. promise.

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ayan, nabaliw nanaman ako. i'm talking to myself again. the heck.

now that im already at it - talking to myself, might as well say everything i want to say to me, right? so here.

message to myself:

pasensya ka na kung nagiging sobrang weak ka, ayos lang yun. it only means na tao ka, hindi mo kailangan ma-guilty. sobrang nahihirapan ka lang. wag ka na umiyak. dame ka naman mga fall-backs, dame pwede pagsabihan ng sama ng loob mo sa mundo, nasabi mo na nga sa mama mo kanina diba? basta kaya mo yan. go lang ng go. matatapos mo to. hardships? it'll all pass. kaya mo yan. kailan mo ba hindi na kaya? go. now, do what you have to do instead of crying your heart out. mapapagod ka lang, wala ka pa matatapos. ano? DO IT.

1.9.07

i can't believe this. here i am, thinking that i'll be able to go on a hiatus even for just a few days, just to be utterly disappointed by the announcement of numerous quizzes and some projects. damn. so much for a much needed rest, eh? i haven't had a decent sleep for quite some time now, i unwillingly turned myself into an insomniac. great, just great.

school work+stress+occasional "social activities"+INSOMNIA = DEATH by FORCE

and as if my life isn't stressful enough, i'm now officially broke. well not exactly, i still have my savings in the bank but that doesn't really count coz i consider that money "untouchable". all in all, im flat broke. err. i don't know where i've been spending my money on, what is the matter with me?! i've had a transition from being a thrifty-slash-cheapskate to being a spend-all-on-unimportant-stuff type of girl. damn.

i'm failing some of my subjects, which i think is really really bad coz there's a really huge probability that i'll be delayed if i'm not able to reach the passing grade. aw. waaah.

waaaah!!!

i've so much stuff to worry about, i never thought they'd, my problems i mean, all pile up in a single semester [truth is i kinda anticipated it, i just wasn't able to do anything to prevent them from reaching the height of petronas tower]. everything's been blown up to humongous proportions, it's making me feel so tiny. haha. and you know what's worse? i've all these piled-up-activities-which-i-want-to-call-'problems' and i'm not a bit worried about. lemme expound that, im worried but not as worried as i was back in third year first semester where i diagnosed myself with mild to clinical depression just by reading articles and taking some tests on the net.

chillin'.

that's what im doing. i dunno if that's a bad thing or a good one. haay. kase naman eh. lots to do, so little time. oh well, guess i just have to deal with everything one at a time so as not to completely exhaust myself. i kinda want to live pa naman no, i ain't too miserable with my life anymore. :D

*newsflash!

i can hear the loud "moans" of cats having extreme sex right beside our house. haha!*

im sleepy, the net connection is really bad, it's raining. i think i better get off the pc now, all signs are telling me to. hehe.

im off! have a good sleep everyone! hugs!


X's: my not-so-obvious-but-they-really-are fave band, Garbage, of all freakin time is back with a new single. it's effin' great. i really missed their cool music and eccentrically beautiful music videos. shirley manson's looking really fly. i love garbage!

31.8.07

i just got home. as in, i really just got here. im still in my uniform. no one's here. my mom's probably at the airport with my dad. tae. our house looks really gloomy, its almost depressing. i think its going to be like this for like, weeks.

nature is mocking me. it started raining just before the trike reached our house. parang movie, may foreshadowing. the fuck. im feeling downright sad. haay. sana umuwi na sila. nakakalungkot magisa. i'm all alone and i feel like crying again. if only my mom's here, then i wouldn't be feeling this sad coz at least i've someone to talk to. haay buhay.

moving on to a literally irritating subject. i think i ate something i shouldn't have, i've allergies all over my thighs and it's really itchy.

i just farted.

i think i have to go to the bathroom, my tummy's rumbling something and if i don't heed it now, it might cause a serious explosion. fuck. ayan na.

gotta go! wish me luck. xP
nasa lib ako. amazing. haha. nakakatamad. inaantok ako. gusto ko na umuwi.

pag uwi ko, wala na si daddy...

wala na magluluto ng champorado.

wala na ulet ako daddy.

next year na ulet siya babalik.

haay...

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nakakainis ka.

hindi ka ba hinahanap ng parents mo?

antaggal mo na kaseng nakatambay dito sa puso ko eh....

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahaha! ang adeek ko nanaman.

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sakit chan ko ah. haha.

30.8.07

asteeg na grad speech

napapaisip ako lalo tungkol sa pesteng buhay ko.

"Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito,kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number na nagsisimula sa "94" at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong schoolyear at umabot Ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.

Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang
estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.

Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong maka-ahon. Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang paki-alam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng "Summa Cum Laude", "Best Thesis Award" at "Leadership Award." Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng "Hung on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay" award.


Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?


Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.


Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong-lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo "Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba't kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya."


Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na "Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang…" pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?


Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang "TAKE 5 NA KO!!!" o "Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc." Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na naming ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term. Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa "Star Student" na sabihing "Nay, bagsak ako." at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na "Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?" Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.


Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything. Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaa-abot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.


Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumpagpak, muntik-muntikanan nang masipa o yung lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang.Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas-noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.

Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo naming me patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron? Maaaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e…ba't titigilan niyo yung pagti- tiyaga ngayon?


Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sipagin ka lang, malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang!

Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako. I've been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na na umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.


Akin ang transcript na ito.


Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto. Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako. This is a rebellion.


I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor that told me that I can't make it. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it's supposed to be the graduate's moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times. Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.

i don't really feel like typing anything. just logged in for the sake of logging in. im sad. so sad. really sad. im holding back my tears and im biting my lips so that no 'wailing' sound can escape my very loud mouth. my door's wide open and i can hear my dad packing his bags. the sound of things being wrapped in plastic, the sound of packaging tape being pulled, the sound of a zipper being opened and then closed again. i never thought those sounds could hurt so fucking bad. now im really crying, i can't help it. fuck. im such a crybaby. my throat hurts from trying to suppress my 'wails'.

my dad's leaving tomorrow afternoon, 1pm. that's the time he'll leave the house, the time of his flight is 5pm. i won't be able to see him off. to be honest, i really don't want to see him off coz i don't want him to see me cry like i did the last time he left for saudi.

tangina. i should be used to it by now, he's been going to KSA for as long as i can remember, he's been there and back for almost 20 years. why the heck do i always feel like shit whenever he's leaving? dapat sanay na ko, sila kat nga parang wala lang sa kanila eh.

namimiss ko na agad daddy ko. sana di na lang siya aales.

27.8.07

You Are 18% Fake

Fake doesn't even come close to describing you.
You're totally natural, and proud of who you really are!


more often than not, we fall in love with a person we can't really have; while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

ouch. i got headshot! aw.


You Are 28% Happy

You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier.
Focus on what's right in the world, and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

life. life. life [the present to the future! waharharhar!]

you know the saying 'we slowly turn into our mother once we get older'? im starting to believe that. i used to say that i wont ever be like my mother but now, i think i've become so like her. even worse. come to think of it, becoming like my mom isn't really a bad thing, it's kinda amazing. yea, amazing.

she's super mom, you know. she can do lots of stuff in just a day, she can even move a shelf full of books when she's cleaning our house. i don't know how she do it. haha. she's that strong. and when i say 'strong', i don't just mean, physically strong. there's lots of things she doesn't tell us, she chose not to involve us in her suffering and pains just because she thinks we already have too much to handle with school and work. sometimes she'll tell me stuff just because it has become too unbearable for her.'unbearable?', you ask. she cries whenever she tells me stuff, or if not cry, she comes close to crying. but even if she have lots to deal with, she just goes on living everyday as if nothing's wrong. she's that strong, and i admire her. so much. even if i don't say it to her.

I LOVE YOU MOM!

we slowly turn into our mother once we get older

see, every time my mom leaves me to watch the house, i instantly transform into this cleaning and chore obsessed person. every bit of dirt, misplaced object and dirty dishes annoys the heck out of me. i feel the need to take care of everything, heck, if i've only grown up to love plants, i would even do my mother's gardening chore. haha. that's how crazy i get when my mom leave me at home. when she gets home, she'll be like, 'ang sarap apakan ng sahig ah, nagwalis ka?', and i'll be like, 'eh wala na kase akong magawa dito kaya ayun, nagwalis na lang ako ng buong bahay', followed by a shrug, as if it wasn't a big deal when in reality, i really want to impress her. haha. i kinda like being the domesticated me. but of course i don't want to do it everyday coz that'll just be like being a slave of my own house or something. haha.

by the way, i cooked for myself today. i know! i didn't know what came into me today, i just feel the need to cook something. i cooked a "pasta-pastahan dish" haha. i invented it. it taste kinda nice. really. even if i say so myself. hehe. here's the recipe, you guys should try it, its delish.

1/8 kilogram of pasta[any will do, i used elbow macaroni coz that's all we have here]
a small pack of spaghetti sauce
a can of tuna flakes in oil or brine or in anything that you like :)
1pc of egg
ketchup
a teaspoon of oil
salt&pepper
chopped chili [the small red ones, it's not labuyo, basta its small and red :D]
instant mashed potato[to thicken the sauce, i like my sauce thick. not so thick though]

just do what you normally do when cooking the pasta and as for the sauce, just mix everything together, but you have to make sure that the egg is really cooked first before you add all the ingredients. maybe you're wondering why there isn't any onion or garlic in the recipe, well that's because we don't have any in the kitchen. haha. so there. try it. it's good. of course it's not 'itallianis' type of 'good' but i swear it tastes really, okay. :D[im speaking for myself when i said that 'it taste good' coz im the only one at home so nobody has tasted it yet, but i left it at the table and im sure my pig of a brother will try some of it. hehe]

haha! i could pass for a wife na! as if. i don't wanna get married. well not til im 27 or 28 or 29, that's like, only 7 years from now. haha. if i go beyond that age and i'm still not married, i'll enter the convent. so please God, let me get married before that age, You don't want me to be a disgrace to the catholic church won't You?

just kidding. :D

i wonder how my married life would be, i bet i'll have a battered husband. haha. kidding. how many kids do i want to have? maybe 2 or 3? or maybe i'll just have to work real hard and earn lots of money so i could afford to have 6 or 7 kids. wahahaha!!!! im just kidding, 2 will definitely do. i wonder what it'll be like to be in a huge family. i bet it'll be supah fun.

*sigh*

im thinking too much, i'll just go to bed. still have school tomorrow which means i have to wake up really early. so goodnight to you my nonexistent reader. :D

[i'm already missing my dad and he hasn't even left yet. i cried for like, 15 minutes today just thinking about him leaving. 'cried' is an understatement. i was practically bawling in the bathroom. haaay. buhay naman talaga o.]

the girl's a major ass. i'll stop talking to about her coz she's definitely not worth my or other people's time. gawd.

im such a pig. it's already 1am and heck, im still eating french fries. and here i am wondering why im getting fat. gawd. haha! so it's just me and my brother at home again, parents went to the province, dad's leaving for work soon. very soon. this friday-soon. haay. i'll try not to think about it. anyhoo, my brother and i are supposed to watch a movie hours ago, but then he fell asleep. so there goes my 'fun' day at the mall.

im bored. there's absolutely nothing to do here at home and im tired of doing the same old shit i do every time i go online. does anybody know any fun websites i could go to to kill my ever so clingy boredom?

i guess i should go now, it's pointless to just stare at the monitor and think of something to say. words should flow out of my head into my fingers, it shouldn't be forced out. haay. cge, i'll just read my books over again. or maybe i'll go straight to bed, for a change.

ok, goodnight world! i would really love to wake up and see what surprise life has for me tomorrow. cheesy. haha. ta-ta!

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. [eeeeek! haha!]
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. [hmmmm...]
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world. [maybe i should look behind me once in a while.]
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know. [hmmmm. you! i like you... there, i said it. haha!]
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. [i love you all!]

26.8.07



i take what i said back.




DIE BITCH!

go fuck yourself, you motherfuckin' asshole!!!


waaah! what the fuck! i was doing just fine then my stupid brain ruined everything when it decided that i should put him back in my thoughts! urgh! i was already experiencing a calm&serene melancholy, which for me is, a trance or some sort close to happiness [milan kundera =)]. im not thinking of him and im not feeling anything about everything, then just this moment, everything in my head got crazy again. i can't stop thinking of you asshole! damn that song. it completely ruined everything coz now, im grinning and feeling really giddy without any reason. fuck. parang naloloka lang. haha.

"...metaphors are dangerous. metaphors are not to be trifled with. a single metaphor can give birth to love."
-the unbearable lightness of being, milan kundera

milan kundera - he's my new favorite author and his book, the unbearable lightness of being is my new favorite book. you guys should read it. ganda. promise.

anyhoo, tae ka talaga. stop running in my head. mapapagod ka nian. wahahaha! korni. kaines ka! im writing stupid poems again because of you! waaah!!! poems that aren't like the ones i usually write. im writing love poems for heavens sake!!! waaaah!!! dapat stick lang ako sa angsty poems ko. haha! im smiling alone!!!! wahaha! okay, i'll stop na talaga. promise. i just have to think of my prelims para back to melancholy ako. haha. teka, prelims? hindi pala yun pang serene melancholy. pang mga agitata un eh. haha. yea, agitata not agitated. batangena ko eh. hehe

---

As You Wish
dropout year

have you noticed the way i notice you, the way the sky reflects of your eyes, a greenish shade of blue. i like you the way you are, I love what i've seen so far, the only thing i've grown to hate is when you doubt the words i say. please don't change a thing about you.

there's no need to wear make up when you wake up and i'm where you are, i swear i'll never let you get too far.
and i will wait up, all night long i will stay up with you, to say the words it takes to get you through.

and when it comes to friendship, i have a small confession, a common misconception, so here's your lesson of the day. i caught feelings for you, while you caught my eye and now i find that the truth is just too hard to hide when all i want was in you all along.

there's no need to wear make up when you wake up and i'm where you are, i swear i'll never let you get too far.
and i will wait up, all night long i will stay up with you, to say the words it takes to get you through.

all night long i'll keep the stereo on and we will play this song until the break of dawn.

there's no need to wear make up when you wake up and i'm where you are, i swear i'll never let you get too far
and so i will wait up, all night long i will stay up with you, and say the words it takes to get you through.

now i stand an honest man. scared to death with my heart in your hands. now you stand with my heart in yours.

yeah.

ugh! there's this girl in multiply who disses me in her blog, i think. pucha! i didn't even do anything to her! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER! i think she got angry at me for posting something in my multiply blog about the call i got from a company and that company being a scam. she posted a negative comment then tried to add me. it's weird. and when i checked out her multiply site, voila! there's a blog there that i think is about me, or us, us being the ones who believe that the company is a scam. pucha talaga.

i think she's so involved with the company that when she found my entry, she got really pissed and then decided that she's gon' make me regret what i did. pathetic. it makes me wonder why of all the 'bloggers' who posted an entry about the same incident, she had chosen to pick on me. she's such a loser, gawd. grabe, it isn't even the company that really pissed me, it's the fuckin way they recruit people. heavens! why wouldn't we think that the company's a scam if the person who's trying to recruit you won't even answer the very essential question that is, 'what does the company do?'. and if you guys were in my position, would you not think that its a scam if the 'employer' doesn't even require you to bring a resume? i mean, duh, it's like an essential thing for recruiting someone for a job, i mean, how would you know the person's credentials if he/she doesn't have a resume with him/her.

the lurker girl even commented that i should get my facts from reliable sources, the fuck, how the heck will i do that if the person who called wont even give the company's name or tell the thing they do? shouldn't they be the one who should give the person they're trying to employ the facts? tae noh. aesaer.

i've nothing against the company, i even searched it again on google and found out that there really is such company, but i wouldn't say that it's not a scam. this is what they do: they call you and ask you to go to this certain building. when you get there, they're gon' explain what their company's for, then, they're gon' ask you to invest money in their company. on the spot yun. that's why they're not telling the caller what they really do, which is hoard money from people, because once they say that its a pyramid, the person they called won't be interested anymore; pyramid having a bad, uhm, something here in the philip of pines. if the way they recruit people isn't a scam, then i really don't know what a scam is.

tae talaga. damn recruiters, they've no recruitment etiquette [naks]. damn lurker girl. die bitch. haha. kidding.

oh, there's this guy in multiply who commented in the same entry that i was talking about, he's funny. takte, his story is, some gay guy asked for his cell number in a bookstore, saying that he'll give him a job or something something. could the job that the gay guy was pertaining to be, BJ and not the pyramid thingy?!!! wahahaha!!!! =)) wahahaha!!! that's the first thing that entered my mind the moment i read the phrase 'sexy time' in his entry. wahaha!

haha!!! ok im gon' stop thinking bout it now. haha!

gotta go-s cheerios! :D

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edited
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have any of you guys seen the movie die hard 4.0? COOL NOH!!!! haha. i so badly wanted to be a hacker or anyone good in dealing with computer stuffs after the movie was over. i watched it on pirated dvd, just so you guys know. haha. waaah! i don't care if i get labeled as a geek, i already am, i really want to learn how to do all those shit. its too fuckin cool!!! haha.

im such a loser. but i don't care, at least im a brainy loser. haha! as if!