31.1.07

random thoughts.

what if you'll never gonna be perfect? will it matter that you tried?

why is it so easy to fall "in like", yet so freakin hard to be liked back?

why is fuckin destiny so freakin unkind?

why are some people so insensitive?

why am i doing it again?

why do i keep on 'falling in like' when i know i'll just end up with nothing?

dang.

im so fuckin stoopid tlga pare.

i so want to hang myself pare.

haha. im starting to talk like cofibean pare. haha.

by the way, cofibean is one gosu blogger, just so you guys know.

i hate myself so much.

waah. i dont even know why i like him. he's not even that cute. in fact he's not even cute period.

even so, i think he's kinda growing in me. you know wut i mean?

haay. i so so hate this feeling. its kinda like depression. but worse.

when im in like, im always goofy-happy. smiling at nothingness. haha. stupid, i know. haha.

wish it'd go away soon. and i mean soon.

*****************************

im so fuckin pissed at my brother! i love him and all but sometimes he gets to my freakin nerves! he do stuff as if he owns everything and it absolutely ticks me off. wish he'd stop doing that, i mean, i know im younger than him and i should respect him and do what he tells me to but sometimes he's just too fuckin irritating. he's totally not the boss of me but i kinda have no choice if you know what i mean. waah. i so want to fuckin scream. i hate this house. i hate my life. i hate breathing, im just too tired. seems like i cant take anymore. but heck, i know i have to be strong. life is too friggin short for me to just give in. waaah. wish i could get away from everything, even for just a little while. dang.

something off the topic. he must really like her. and that's good right? and how am i suppose to feel about it? i dunno. haay.

bought a cd for my college bestee. its her bday tomorrow, and im planning on buying another one. i promised to buy her a bee stuffed toy but when i went to the store to buy it, it wasnt there. somebody must've already bought it. just my luck huh?! haaay.

haaay. haaay. will somebody please pull my life support, in that way i wouldnt be committing suicide. haay. :'(

29.1.07

just a thought.

i just cant help but wonder why there are people who makes you feel so damn bad about yourself. you know what i mean. im not insecure or something, well maybe i am, a little, but, you know! i cant seem to explain myself today. haay. oh whatever. i dont have to explain myself to anyone.

25.1.07

another one of my stupid and senseless poems.

senseless? is it really? i dunno. i bet you guys were taught about reading between the lines in lit class.


i want to be a bubble,
floating freely in the air.
i want to be a bubble,
go to places without a care.
i want to be a bubble,
may it be big or small.
i want to be a bubble,
popped, gone before it even fall...


stupid poem, eh? i know. i hate it too, but that's what i feel. i want to be a bubble. haay. anyways, today, i've eaten way too much pizza. 6 slices to be exact. whoa! i know! im such a friggin pig. haha. me and some classmates decided to try the pizza all you can being offered in a local pizza parlor, greenwich. boy it was soooo worth the money we paid. i was so full i couldnt even eat dinner. i think i could barf with just the smell of pizza, i wouldnt go near pizzas for like weeks. umay na. haha.

24.1.07

2hrs-ece; 1hr break; 2hrs-ge; 1hr break (supposedly, we were going to attend ee class, but we're just too damn lazy to go..haha); 3hrs-ece lab. after class, i went home, plopped onto my bed and dozed off for like an hour or so. just imagine how tiring my day was and to think i havent slept well the other night. haay. but aside from me being too tired, my day was pretty much ok. havent felt sad the whole day. i think 'depression' decided to stop bothering me for a while, i think he got too exhausted from hanging out inside my head for like i-dunno-how-long-but-it-seemed-like-ages days. i still dunno what im gonna do if 'depression' decides to return. hhhhaaaayyyyy.


Depression is a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes by suicidal thoughts, among other symptoms of depression. Read more on symptoms of depression and take the depression test

i took the test. the result stated that i have a 'moderate depression'. i dont think so. i dont? i dunno. i really think i need to tell somebody.
i think im the only person who (thinks i) have depression and is fully aware of it. before, i used to think that i dont know myself that much, but now i know i was wrong. i do know myself. and im very thankful that i do. im able to cope with a lot of things coz im very much aware of whats happening to myself. thank goodness. got a test on diff-eq tomorrow. have to study so, ta-ta.

22.1.07

tired of thinking.
tired of feeling.
tired of breathing.
my happiness and my sanity,
im losing it all.
i hear their voices,
i see all their faces,
everyone's here,
yet i am alone.
walls are closing in,
im drowning in the crowd.
save me from myself...
...before i completely fade-out.

15.1.07

my life. crappy-er than ever.

well. wut? i dunno. i feel so fuckin alone. i wish i wasnt as sensitive as i am. i feel all these things that i think i shouldnt be feeling. feel like my friends are leaving me, feel like my friends are being taken away from me. i know i shouldnt feel this way. its just freaking paranoia. but it really makes me so friggin sad and alone. i wish i wasnt like this. i know its stupid to think that your friends are just using you but thats what keeps going on at the back of mind. by these 'friends', i dont mean my highschool friends but the recent ones.
it seems that they only want to be my friend so that they could have someone they could make fun of. someone to laugh at. to tease. to make them feel better about their friggin self.
its really stupid to think the way i do. it really suck to be me. but i couldnt change the way i am. i could only make myself become better. and thats what i plan to do this year. become a better version of me. maybe if i remove from my system some "bad thoughts", i'd become more free. free in a sense that i wouldnt be feeling all these 'bad' things that im feeling every now and then. letting go of some stuff wouldnt be such a bad thing either. maybe id be more free and alive if i do these stuff. it doesnt only suck to be me, its friggin hard too. haay.
plans, plans. wish i could do all these. it would totally make my life better. waaaaah. i feel completely alone. empty. hollow. bitter [i dunno why, i just do]. stupid. unwanted. ugly. tired. and all those others things that a girl my age shouldnt be feeling. being in college made me like this. i wasnt like this before. i use to have this certain glow in my eyes but now, i seem to have lost them. i dont want to be like this. help. anyone. :'(