im still not completely okay. there's still this certain something left, uhm, i guess you could call it an 'empty spot'. no, im not speaking of a person or being loved or whatever related to that. it's something about me that i haven't really found, or rather, searched for, yet. and 'til then, it's yet to be filled. ok enough about that. im getting real tired of it already. lolz.

i bought a book, actually, make that two books. what's really odd is that i haven't opened any of the two yet, knowing me, i should be through reading both books by now. bought the books last monday. im kind of a speed reader. i love books. can't live without them. should there be a fire[knock on wood], my books, both acad and non-acad, are the ones i will surely save together with my boxful of letters, my cds and my laptop. hehe.

got an exam tomorrow. written and practical. dammit. haay. im feeling to lethargic to function. i'll start studying later. xP

ei, i've this secret. between you and me, i really like SCL. that's my theology subject. i like listening to ms. ferreras, that's my old-old-and-i-mean-really-old-maid prof, though i seem to sleepy whenever she's discussing. i like to hear the things she have to say not because i agree with her but because it makes me think. sometimes i get lost in my thoughts, fyi. aiun lang. ang dorky ko talaga. tae.

oh if y'all are wondering, the books i bought are 'until the real thing comes along' by elizabeth berg and 'the unbearable lightness of being' by milan kundera. aiun.

[lagi na kitang naiisip. naiinis na ko. pucha.]


fuck the hormones. im feeling too emotional today and the only thing i could throw the blame on are my oh-so-emo-hormones. darn it. [kudos to myself for my amazing typing-and-thinking-while-crying ability].

today's monday. i hate mondays. monday means i have to wake up early the next day coz of school, it means i have to finish all the assignments that are due on tuesday, monday is the start of my endless school work and the end of my not-so-enjoyable-though-well-deserved rest. i so hate monday and today's not any different.

i woke up today with my back aching, probably the effect of way too much sleeping [read: bedsore]. i slept for about 15 long hours, so you could just imagine how painful my back was the moment i sat up, but still, i wish i didn't get up, or wake up. err. the day started out fine but my parents just know how to ruin everything for me. why can't they just shut up for a while? i mean, they tell me to be sensitive of other people's feelings but they're never sensitive to mine. i don't want to go through the details anymore coz it'll just make me cry even harder. basta, today's really sucky.

after the bwisit remark of my mom and dad, i decided to go to the mall to let the air go and to kill some time, i don't want to stay with them at home coz the uhm-i dunno-what-its-called will just be aggravated. they drove me to the block after we finished buying stuffs from wilcon depot.

the block. sm north edsa. by myself. what else is there to do for a lonely bookworm? i spent about 2hours in national bookstore and about an hour and a half in fully booked. i know, im a freakin' book addict, dorky huh. well, thats the only time i felt lighthearted today coz the moment i got home, the the uhm-i dunno-what-its-called feeling went back, and so here i am, blogging to let the stupid feeling go. haay. i dunno what to type next. . .

they said that a person feel sad because they choose feel that way. i think that's bullshit. if that's true, then why am i still feeling sad/depressed even if i so badly want to be happy? i keep on telling myself that im happy but sadness always consume me. so what's up with that? what's up with me? im in an endless soul-searching, and honestly, im kinda getting tired. could one go through life without knowing himself? sana, kase nakakapagod na talaga maghanap ng sarile.


i can't sleep. i prolly had too much siesta, if you could still call it that. lolz. an 8-hour siesta, there. haha. the moment i got home from school, i removed my wristwatch and plopped onto my bed still wearing my school uniform. i was so effin' tired. slept at about 2pm and woke up at around 1030. haha. call me anything you want, i don't really care, twas a well deserved sleep being up till 2am the whole week. dammit.

i still have the cold-cough combo, its kinda getting worse. i hate being sick and i hate my voice when im sick. i just hope that i wont get the flu coz that'll be the trigger to my debarment. haha! haha. haha? oh crap, thinking about it, it not funny, no, not at all. fuck. oh shit. where will i transfer if ever i do get debarred? i dont want to transfer to another school, its ust or bust for me, but i dont want to transfer to another course either, even if that's the only way i could stay in ust, fuck, what am i gon do? oh shit, oh shit. dammit! what am i thinkin? lemme rephrase that, why am i even thinkin bout these things?!!! waah! what the sex! ok, im back to ignoring 'debarment'. im gon' pretend that that word doesnt even exist in the dictionary. haha. seriously.

*waaah! i want to go to sleep but my body wont let me! rawr!

ok, im gon' go play the impossible quiz now. gawd, its addicting. haha. *ouch* my back hurts. you'll prolly laugh if you see the way im seated right now. read: hunchback of notre dame. haha.

*aaww, notre dame, miss that school. haha. but i miss st. mary's acad more! woohoo! haha.*

**i accidentally replaced my heart with a mashed potato coz it suddenly stopped beating.



i feel so sick. literally and figuratively. i have this really awful cold which i think will soon be followed by a really awful cough. dammit.

this week turned out to be the worst week of my school life to date. i mean it. you see, i've had exams the whole week and i studied real hard for each and every one of it, but guess what, i failed every single one of the bullcrap exams!!! it seems like my six fucking long semesters of engineering in UST will all be erased by one semester of agony that'll lead to my debarment; the worst fear and the downfall of a thomasian engineering student. what the sex! its times like these that makes me want to shift to another college, like ComArts or IPEA or anything that doesn't require me to do as much mathematics that im doing now. maybe if i hadn't chosen this course, i would probably be a dean's lister. lolz. i have to study extra hard for the prelims, got tons of catching up to do.


i wonder, do you really care about me or are you just....uhm, i dunno? you kinda left me hanging, searching for signs that will probably never come, frustrated and hoping.


i so hate this week! and last week too. and the week after this and the week after the next!!!

my schedule is so loaded with guess what, exams. dammit! all i've been doing for the past week is study, study, study!!! formulas are driving me insane!!! im feeling so friggin' stressed out. what's worse than feeling stressed is finding out that i failed the test i studied so fucking hard for. stupidity kills. dammit!

i so badly need a break from all this school stuff. rawr!

[singit lang. tae kase eh. i waited. it never happened. i guess i was wrong. too bad. i was kinda gon' take the plunge. oh well.]


last night was totally lame. loved the band though. silent sanctuary! jhanne and i were the only ones groovin to their songs, the friggin crowd was so lame. 'nuf said!


fuck this day.


i caught myself thinking of you. i stopped dead and froze. i shouldn't be. heck, this is so fucking wrong.

3am. woke up from a dream. no, its not about you, but you were the first person who entered my mind. i found myself unable to sleep since then, my stomach kept on flipping over. said to myself, it isn't you thats making my stomach flip, twas just something i ate. and so i continue to make myself believe.


i should be studying. ok, i gotta go now. haha. stupid shit.


oh my fucking gulay! how could've i not noticed that my fly was open the moment i got out of the house?! fuck fuck fuck! i would've never known if it wasn't for the three engineering froshies sitting on the benches near the waste bins. they were whispering and sniggering to themselves. ok, so i didn't exactly saw them sniggering, i just assumed, coz that's what normal stupid people would do, suppress their laughter and let the poor person go and be humiliated instead of just telling it politely to the person's face. waaah! i cussed so fucking hard, which i don't normally do, the moment i noticed that my undies was exposed for the whole world to see, [fyi: i don't really consider the words fuck, shit and the likes as curses, the cussing words i consider as 'bad words' are those spoken in filipino.] i mean, who wouldn't? i felt totally humiliated and naked and exposed and violated. ok im exaggerating. haha. my fly's open for four long fucking hours! dang! waaah! from now on, im always gon' check my zipper before i go out of the house. i don't want to experience the same stupidity again. ever. for as long as i live. haha.


i hate matLab. i hate thunderstorms. we had a fuckin' hell of a test in matLab today. the cloud decided to pour all of its fuckin angst on us just as we're about to go home today. so therefore, I FUCKING HATE THIS DAY!!! rawr! uhm, well except for the time before our test in stinky matLab where he asked me what kind of hairstyle i want for him. haha. im so friggin pathetic, am i not? oh well, i don't really care.

BETTER THINGS ARE BOUND TO HAPPEN TO ME. i just knew it. i can smell it and i could almost see it lurking behind all this crappy stuff im experiencing. God's just creating the MOST PERFECT storyline for my life. all i have to do is be patient and WAIT. how long? for as long as it takes Him to make whatever it is that He's making. lolz. haay.

*random thought*

tae naman. hate seeing 'that' word. it makes my stomach flip over and out. rawr! have to stop this feeling before it kills me. again. argh!




i hate programming. dammit.

tae. stop running in there will you?! ampowta talaga!

i cried. i dunno why, i just did. the tears just fell and emotions started pouring in. the fuck. hate it when this happens. blame it on the mood swing. i think. i've been doing lots of 'unauthorized' crying lately. i wonder whats up with me. maybe i should go see a psychiatrist or a psychologist or whoever. i so fucking hate being this way.

[brain nugget]

im just curious, who the fucking hell takes their baby for a walk at night?! not to be mean here, but really?! is your baby a dog that you need to take out for a walk to pee at night?! fuck! lumalalandi ka lang eh! punyeta! nakakairita! rawr!

[end of brain nugget]

anyhoo, our basketball team won today! woohoo! kudos to 4eceA! yieh! are we good or what?! be afraid other teams, be VERY afraid...wahaha! hope this wont be the last time im gon' see them wear that uniform, if you know what i mean. hehe. but oh well, i guess we should just savor the moment and be thankful that we even won. haha.

got a big, big exam on tuesday. its gon' be done by pairs. was it just luck that lead me to the best computer guy in the room? NOT! haha. i have to really really study so as not to be a friggin' burden to him. i dont wanna be a fuckin parasite. haha.

gotta go to bed. got tired from cheering for our team. Kudos to our boys again! [as if they could read this. haha]


only to die.
hide the fact that you've cried.
make them believe that you're doing just fine.
let the feeling go, spare your heart, it's so not worth your time.


woohoo! Transformers rule! its fucking good of a movie tsong! bumblebee is so beyond cool! there are no dull moments, every scene was worth watching. too bad i wasn't able to watch the part where megatron and optimus prime are battling it all out, my little cousin badly needed to go to the men's room. perfect timing. err. oh well, i still enjoyed every bit of the movie, minus the optimus-megatron-battle part. haha.

i should do this more often, watching movies that is. hehe. next week, we're gon' watch harry potter. wish ko lang di na puno movie house next week. haay.

btw, my eyes got swollen from too much boy-watching yesterday. wahahaha! anlandi ko talaga! powta! haha!


ok, i take back what i've said about him looking really cute in his org uniform. coz he also looks fucking cute when he's wearing a jacket and when his hair's all messy. wahaha. the fuck! adeek ba ko?! wahaha.


i hate you.

do you fuckin hear?! uh, i mean, read?!!

i hate you, you fucking no good bitch!!!

well, not really.
i so so soooo love my family!

we celebrated my grandparent's 5oth wedding anniversary last Saturday and boy, was it fun! the chruch looked real nice with all the beautiful flowers and charming 'ladies' [ehem!] and gents, my cuz and i got teary-eyed during the renewal of vows. my grandparents are the sweetest and loveliest couple that day! my granma was even joking bout having a honeymoon! lolz! talk about high libido! wahahaha!

the reception was perfect beyond words! i totally fell in love with the way the cake was arranged. everything was really gorgeous, and mind you guys, i aint speaking for myself. everyone was talking bout how beautiful the reception was. totally worth the money we spent! sulit na sulit!

the dress we wore? uhm. im not really a fan, i wasn't all googly-eyed when i saw it. it looked really nice. yeah, nice. although, i must say, i look like a 'golden suman' in it. swear. basta! i really didn't mind, we had a blast and looking like a 'golden suman' wasn't really that big of a dilemma. :D

basta! twas really fun except for the whining of my then-at-that-moment-not-so-cute-little-cousins. haha. their 'kakulitan' came to a point where i have to lock myself in the bedroom just so they can't annoy the living hell in me. they're really cute and sweet when they aren't being irritatingly 'makulit'. my youngest female cousin cried when we left. she was asking me to either stay or take her with me. aaww, sweet right?! :D

gotta go take a rest now. twas a really long drive home. nyt y'all!


my family left me here in the four corners of our home to die.

ok, im exaggerating. but hey, you can't blame me. if you're in my place, i bet you'll go beyond exagerrating.

here's the 411, my parents left for batangas and they wont be back til tomorrow and my brother's still not home despite the fact that he should've been here hours ago, and im left here alone. without anyone to watch over me[not that i need anyone to watch me], without money and without FOOD! FOOD pare! takte!

ayan. im so fuckin hungry. feeling nauseous. rawr! can't take this anymore! gotta find something to eat in our tindahan. sige! im out!
update. update. i've nothing to tell. as usual, nothing special happened.

oh! we just had our first exam in dsp, that's digital signal processing in case you guys don't know. it wasn't as hard as i was expecting, come to think of it, twas easy. good thing the exam didn't give justice to the fuckinly incomprehensible lecture coz if it did, the fuck! im gon' be so dead. uhm. . . .

rawr! haven't any of you noticed that every time i update this tedious blog of mine, it almost always contain stuff about school? dang. thats how mind-numbing my life is, coz really, i've nothing else to tell you guys but school stuff. swear.

my life gets duller by the, get this, second. SECOND! rawr! i so badly need to go out and partay!

hey flirtatious-high-school-buddy-worthy-of-bembonging! ask me out na! i know you want to. lolz.

tae. fucking senseless again.

[panic! at the disco kicks-ass pare!]


ok heres the thing, im not feeling depressed, im not even having anxiety attacks anymore. so why the bloody hell does the thought of leaving this 'ordinary' life of mine keeps on popping in my extremely huge head? is this an early sign of insanity? the fuck! i don't really mind if i become mental but puhlease! not now. i still got lots of things that i really need to do. so please mental virus, go now and leave me sane for a while, maybe you could come back next year or the year after next or maybe never. rawr!
tae. bakit naiinis ako pag nakikita ko yung girlfriend niya? i mean, the freaking frisson is over right? right? di ba?!

tae naman oh! ayoko na sa binti! takte kase siya eh, masyadong pacute.


di naman siya cute. well, he actually is when he's wearing his org uniform. PUCHA! ayoko na talaga. i fucking need to divert my attention or feelings or whatever to other things more important than him. tae!


singit lang: i bought a really cutesy shoesy! =D