im drowsy. not sleepy. drowsy. my head is aching big time. i feel like i'm going to be sick. it's 5.26am. got a class at 8am. still not done with my TV design. fuck the what? what the heck am i still doing here?


my current favorite playlist.

just because i can't sleep and i've nothing to do. (actually, i could finish reading a million little pieces but i'm still too lazy to get off the freakin pc. darn laziness.)

in no particular order. i have it on shuffle all the time xP

crash and burn - savage garden
stay-lisa loeb
never gonna let you go - faith evans
back to you - john mayer
what i didn't know - athenaeum
creep - stone temple pilots
stand by me - oasis
absolutely (story of a girl) - nine days
faith- george michael
hit or miss - new found glory
angel - sarah machlachlan
brick - ben folds five
semi-charmed life- third eye blind
daytripper (beatles cover) - sublime
fools like me - lisa loeb
freshmen - verve pipe
99 luftballoons - nena
someday we'll know - new radicals
my reply - the ataris
hey jealousy - gin blossoms

been in love with this songs for the longest time. some, for the longest time. :D

the tribute to the nice girls.

By Jessica Leigh GriffithJustify Full
This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a t-shirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)
oh crap. i saw someone's pic and now i can't stop grinning. can't stop grinning not because it's funny but because i remembered something. something that's not even funny. something ahahaha. i do not have butterflies in my stomach. no. no. there's nothing in there. nothing but mcd's double cheeseburger. ahaha. this is so stupid. why can't i stop grinning? ahahaha. must be. nah! haha! remember when you asked me and i said that? i was just teasing. you weren't teased. got scared? well that's crap. too bad. you were just someone back then, you're still just someone but my thoughts are kinda deviated towards you being something else. maybe it's the coffee. yea, definitely the coffee. haha. still can't stop grinning. crap! hahaahaha! i make no freaking sense. hahaha


ahahaha! can't stop laughing. tummy hurts. must stop laughing. now. haha! i totally agree! i'll say it again, robpat looks like a motherfucking foot! haha! this is too funny, at least for me (except for the fat girls stuff. err!)


There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

-angel, sarah mclachlan



im getting more and more hooked. i have to stop before it grows into something else. but you are so addicting, and i find it really hard to resist you. ugh!

note to self: i will never (or try not to) look at you in that way again. ever! but please cooperate and stop being so cute! haha!

i sound like a freakin 13 y/o.


stopped by national bookstore yesterday. i bought a pen. a freaking pen! a pen for heaven's sake! just think how heart wrenching that was for me. with all those great new (and old) books all over the place, i just bought a pen! sucks to be broke! i need a new book. yea, need. i'd die if i don't get my hands on a new book!!!

ok, im being overly dramatic. but really, i need a new book. i'm going to go to booksale one of these days.

currently reading a million little pieces by james frey. so far so good. sooo fucking good. never read a book that made me cringe the way it did. gon' read some more later. gon' try to finish it :D


hey, guess what? you make me - blah! nevermind!

"if something is to be left unnoticed, then it'll go unnoticed forever. then you won't have to worry about it. you won't feel like you've lost or been cheated coz nothing has been invested." - me

"but then again, where's the fun if you don't gamble?" - me
if you did, then maybe i would. no, i definitely would. definitely.

and now that you suggested it, i'd put it into consideration.

i'm not a cat lover but this is sooo cute!

sweetness overload! (aaww) x10^12


Have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.


i've posted that before, but i really feel like i need to post it again. so i could read it over and over again. then it'll stuck in my brain for good. and i won't have to remind myself over and over again. so when the big wave hit again(it's coming), i'll be ready, and i won't drown in the murkiness of my stupid self-esteem.


without coffee, i'd go a little insane. (a little more insane than i am now)


LSS of the day: "lost and insecure, you found me, you found me..." you found me - the fray



and close to tears.

disqus test.

testing disqus for the nth time.

update: disqus, failed yet again. err


Sitting out.

Right now, Im sitting on our front steps. Im locked out. Stupid me forgot to bring my keys, I didn't know my mom's gon go out and my brother's not yet home. So here I am, slumped on our front steps with my legs crossed while leaning on our front door, being swarmed by gigantic mosquitoes. Just swatted one on my arm after typing that last sentence. Bloody.

Haven't spent time here for quite a long time. i used to sit here a lot back in high school, to think and just do nothing. I kinda forgot how beautiful the stars are from here (and how calming doing nothing was). It's not that I see lots of it from where im sitting, but either way, I still find it beautiful. No clouds tonight. Right now im seeing this really huge, shiny thing, as far as I know, it's a planet but I don't know which one. Venus? Mars? Mercury? Jupiter? It really doesn't matter. It looks really pretty. Shiny. Glowing. Shiny and glowing in all it's solitariness. Lonely, really.

My mom just arrived, gotta go in. would've loved to stay a bit longer but I don't want to answer any questions on why im out here, what's wrong with me, why am I typing in the dark and all those other blahblahblah's. I'd much rather go inside than have my mom talk to me about things that I don't want to talk about. Don't get me wrong, me and my mom are ok. I love my mom, we're pretty close, I just don't talk "talk" to her. It feels awkward.

Just gon' regroup on the dining table. ;)

Settled! Not as comforting as sitting outside (with the stars, the plants, the darkness and everything), but at least, there are less mosquitoes. With not much emphasis on 'less' (our windows are open. Err)

Uhm, yeah. Uh-huh.

If I don't say this im gon' go insane, I don't really want to but I've promise myself to always vent out my emotions so as not to clogged them all up and be left with all the toxins of unvented feelings that almost always lead me to the bowels of depression.

Im feeling more alone now than I ever was in my life. Well not really, I've had worse days.

There are people around me. My friends surround me. My family's always there for me. But somehow I don't feel them. Is it just me? It's like people are always leaving me. Like they all have their own little worlds and I can't get in coz they just wont let me and I know I just can't go there. It's not my territory to cross. I feel so alone.

But it's really just that. Im not in the dumps, i don't even feel close to being sad, I just feel left out. That's better than feeling nothing. I don't want to be back there anymore. It's the worst feeling ever. The feeling of nothingness, there's such thing coz I've already felt it. (?????). it was that time when everything's blah to me. Ugh.

Im missing an awful lot of people.

I think I have to go out. I'll call my hs buddies after all this school shit that's going on. Haven't seen them for far too long…

By the way, I typed this on ms word. Copy pasted it on here. Just so you know. :D

emotional birthday uhm...something. cutecute!



People who talk about their dreams are actually trying to tell you things about themselves they’d never admit in normal conversation.

-Chuck Klosterman

you could be happy. i could be happy.

“Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can’t ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt, how we manage our pain is up to us. We anesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.”

— Grey’s Anatomy

hmm. yea, been there. the worst is yet to come. im bracing my self. it's not even here yet but i already find myself close to tears everytime i think about it. i just want everyone to shut up about it. you could all be happy. too bad you all have got be happy without me.

just the word or even anything that is related to it makes me sulky. i know i should be happy for all of you. but i can't. and im sorry. but im really trying.

so please dont expect me to be all smiles when you guys are talking and being excited about it. i could be happy, too. if i want to. it's just that i dont. no, not that i don't. i just can't.

i hope i get over it before it even hit me. i have to. coz if not, i dunno.


“No girl should ever forget that she doesn’t need someone who doesn’t need her.”




“When you love someone, you’ll do anything you can to keep them with you. Unfortunately, there is also a point when you have to step back and say that it’s time to let go.”

— My Sister’s Keeper

haha. yea. specially when there's really no point. as in null. no chance. but i know, at one point or another, he did. love me, that is. i just know it. he just didn't want to admit it to himself.

hey you! you're stupid in that way you know. just tellin'.


“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

-i dunno.
oh but you do love me.

you just don't know it yet.

but you will. yes, you will.


i sound like a conniving witch. haha. :/


of ice cream coffee.

ice cream. good. coffee. perfect. ice cream + coffee, and i mean, a blob(?) of ice cream dropped into a steaming mug of coffee. ultimate perfection. that and procrastination, bliss. my grades after taking tomorrow's exam, gradeless. null. zero. so i gotta go. school sucks.


i don't talk a lot. i don't really like to talk. it may seem like i'm a talker but i'm really not. facade. facets. one of the many.


so nothing. just feel like saying.

and since i don't really talk, i write. i blog. pour everything out. not everything.


not so everything=blog.

i'm not making sense. i don't care. this is my blog, i don't need to make sense.

sleepy. gotta go sleep. or something like that.



“But some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.”

— Unknown


“Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you, because when you decide that it is the right time, it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets.”

-i dunno.


“Never put everything into one person, because when they leave, you’ll have nothing.”

-i dunno.
And I can feel your eyes on these words as I write each one. And I know you read it. And it's the tips of your fingers that pushes back on each key. And your hand on the mouse. And your back in that chair. And I just want you to know, that I know.

-I Wrote This For You



bwahahaha! staying at rjay's place again. JAN = MANIAC. wahahahaha!



still awake. 5.20am. err. at rjay's place. sleepy. listening to cartel on youtube. can't open my itunes. don't know why. realized some stuff. haha. just kidding. no realizations. my mind's blank. i've only had 4 hours sleep the other night. looks like im not gon' be having any sleep tonight, i mean today. err. school really suck.


i forgot to say. the butcher's stache and beard are the bomb. i love it. xP


japanese toilet prank.

im stressed. if i pee on my bed tonight, i won't be surprised. i'd be really grossed out and probably start loathing myself, but hell, i won't be surprised. there's too much to be stressed about. school, quizzes, projects, ojt, weight(i know i shouldn't be stressed about this, but what can i do? im a girl. a very insecure one. err), sleep. yea, sleep. everytime i want to sleep, i can't. i just stay wide awake. and if my eyes decided that they want to close, my mind doesn't want to cooperate. blame it on the holidays. every time i go on vacation i end up having the worst insomnia attacks. and oh, i have the worst pimple breakout too! i've huge zits popping all over my face!!! argh! stress stress stress!

good thing i have the japanese people to kind-of relieve me from stress. check this video out. it's the funniest and yet the rudest prank in the world. i think i have gas from too much laughing. haha!



i don't know why, but for some strange, and i mean freakinly strange reasons, the phrase "umiiyak daw" which translates to "must be crying", keeps popping in to my head for like months now. i can't seem to get it off my head.

does this mean im going crazy? i've had crazier thoughts than that, it's nothing compared to my other thoughts but it's kind of annoying. does it even mean anything? should i go to a shrink? haha! haay. ok, there's the thought again. umiiyak daw.

my head is such a crazy place. err.

i've just finished this book by dean koontz. false memories. it sucks. i totally hate the way the story turned at the end. it's a total disappointment. oh well.

any book recommendations? anyone?

edit: seen the new madonna for louis vuitton campaign? one word. fierce. i loves loves it.


too adorable! who knew lions could be sweet?! aawww!


Sometimes a heart cannot afford to be ‘just friends’.

— (via littlemiss)


you have no idea. not the slightest bit. and i wont ever tell.

that's you and this is me.

sucks to be me. and yea, it sucks to be you too. coz you won't ever know, i won't ever tell.

you think you know but you have no idea.

you'll keep on assuming and i'll keep on teasing. that is if you are teased. xP

you'll never know, i won't ever tell.

happy new year!


i know it's 2 days late but what the crap. spent new year in batangas with the whole magsino clan (which explains my seven day hiatus. there's no internet connection at my granpa's house. sucks). twas explosive! haha. love my family to bits and pieces. it's always a blast to spend the new year or any other holidays with them. :D

now, what's my new years resolution?


i don't have any. i've never had any new year's resolution since i entered high school. i tend to break all my resolutions so i don't even bother to think of any. instead, i have a "list" of goals.

1. graduate by summer '09


i've yet to fill up my list. haha. again, happy new year! hope it'll be a great one for all of us!