10.3.09

how could i be happy for others if i'm not even happy myself?

this afternoon, everyone's in on the graduation frenzy. everyone's buzzing, thinking of what to wear, what graduation gifts they'd ask from their parents, how to tell their parent's that they're done with college, and all those stuff. really, it's driving me nuts.

what do i do? nothing. sit and pretend that none of it affects me. put all the thoughts at the farthest part of my brain. i thought i'd won over me. i thought that by not thinking about it, i'll forget about it. wrong.

on the way home, a friend asked, though not seriously, if i'm happy. i seriously wanted to tell him that i'm not but i don't want to kill his moment. i wanted to break down but i held myself back. this afternoon was their moment. it isn't mine to take. they could savor it all they want, they deserve it.

since i couldn't do it at school, i had my sorta breakdown in the jeepney ride to sm. forced myself to sleep the whole ride so i wouldn't have to think about it.

it's really hard to pretend like you don't care.

i'm too freakin emotional. i should've let the graduation thing go by now, but i just can't.

i just can't believe how i let the only thing i ever want go just like that. can't believe how stupid i've been. now i have to make a new goal. but i still can't let it go. it's just that i've dreamt about it too many times and now its all gone. it'll just be a dream. it'll never come true. not anymore. i feel so pathetic right now.

awang awa na ko sa sarile ko. i feel so fucking stupid. i know i don't have to be. everything's my fault. but can you blame me? tang ina. eto na naman ako. ayoko na.

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