15.7.10

shut up. shut up. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

you know how parents are supposed to be supportive and shiz? well i must be the unluckiest bitch on earth, coz right now, i don't feel like i have any. all i hear everyday is how i'm wasting away my life. it's not like i'm not doing anything! it really hurts that all i hear from my mom are words that are like knives stabbing me instead of words of comforts and shiz. if she's joking then those are really fucking mean jokes. if she only knew that i can't wait to get out of here, to stay as far away from her as possible. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT TRYING, COZ I REALLY FUCKING AM!!! i don't want to be stuck here forever. this is absolutely not the life i dream for myself. you can go and tell everyone that i'm a fucking useless daughter who's wasting her life fattening up at home, for all i care.

i guess the saying is true, the people who laugh the hardest are the ones who hurt the most. it's fucked up. i hate everything right now. i can't even cry. i don't want to. i'm not going to fall apart again because of the things she says. no, i am not going to. i am so much stronger now. things like this doesn't make me fall apart anymore. not anymore...

it's not always like this, you know. it's just that some days she is totally fucked up, doesn't think of what she's saying. she is so fucking tactless. i'm her daughter for heaven's sake, i don't think she has any clue about parenting. she's been failing parenting 101 ever since i entered college, constantly thinking that i'm a failure. maybe that's the downside of being an "achiever" when you were young. fucked up if you ask me. she's not a horrible mom you know, she's really nice, it may even be just me overreacting. but it really hurts when she says things. really really hurts.

this is just the emotion talking. done without thinking. i am such a screw up.
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