4.12.11

Maybe if you've tickled my brain a little more i would've agreed. But no, you had to call me names.
"Walang kwenta"

I get that a lot from her. I shouldn't hurt anymore, right? But why does it, still?
Naisip ko lang. Does she ever regrets saying mean words to me? or does she even realize that what comes out of her mouth is mean and actually hurt my fucking feelings? I don't think so. Some parenting skills, huh.
What's wrong with wanting to stay at home? I honestly don't know what to do with my mom anymore. I'm 24 yo for crying out loud! Don't I have a say on what I want to do? I go out-she say something. I stay at home-she say something. Isn't Kuya a grown man??? Why do I have to accompany him to the mall, anyways? Pucha naman ang tanda na niya, a few years and he's turning 30! Can he still not do things by himself? Jeez! I don think I deserve to hear "walang kwenta" just because I refuse to go with him! Tangina naman! I am not going to fucking cry over this! I refuse to feel bad and sorry for myself. I'm the youngest and yet I'm expected to take care of my fucking Kuya. Why the fuck is that? It's not like he's got a fucking disability or something. And then on top of everything I'm getting blamed for not letting the fucking carpenter in. Tangina, had he knocked I'd easily let you in! But did he? Did he? No!! Then he goes here telling my mom how he was banging on the gate but no ones answering! I'm on the couch I could see the fucking gate from where I was sitting! Liar ang pucha!!! Tangina! I am not going to cry! What fucking happene to my seemingly perfect day? Ako na Lang lagi ang masami. Ako na Lang lagi. Ako...am I that fucking insignificant in this household? I stopped thinking that I'm better off dead a long time ago but right now I feel otherwise. Just because you tried aborting him a long time ago doesn't mean you'll have to make me compensate for everything too. I'm important too! I AM FUCKING IMPORTANT TOO!!!


No fucking depressant and still I feel so fucking depressed.

Now I'm addresses as "hoy". Salamat talaga ah. Salamat.

Why are my feelings always fucking ignored in this house? I am part of this family too aren't I? Am I? Am I? Am I that unimportant? That insignificant? Did I ever do something to deserve this kind of treatment? This over not accompanying your precious boy to the fucking mall?!!! I am not going to cry. I am not going to feel bad about this. Get a fucking hold of yourself!

Pero kasi, bakit lagi na Lang akong walang kwenta?

ayoko na dito. ayoko na dito. ayoko na.

bakit ganon? everything seem to be going the wrong way for me?

15.9.11

Nothingness kicks in. Again.

24.4.11

Been crying my eyes out for the past nights before bed. Exactly why I hate being alone with my thoughts. Exactly the reason why the first thing I do when I wake up is open the tv, to distract myself from me. Escape. If I leave me with me I'd self-destruct. Been wondering lately, how many valiums would it take? Will a whole pack do? Can valium even do it? I wonder if I'd be forgiven. I wonder if I'd go straight to hell for doing it. I wonder if someone will be proud of me for being strong and actually doing it. I wonder if they'd be like, 'At least she had the guts to do it.'. I wonder if I'd regret it after doing it, or would I even know I did it after doing it. I wonder if they'd be sad for me, or happy. I wonder if anyone'd cry. Will I be missed? Will they feel like they lost something forever or will it just be a passing thing for them? I'm pretty much a wuss, I can't do it. I don't know. Maybe I can. I guess if I decided that I can do it, you'll never know considering the fact that I won't be around to tell you. It scares me, honestly. My thoughts. Me. I'm scared that if i think too much about this I'd start challenging myself and just get on with it. But I probably won't. I don't know. I'm losing it, but I don't need to be saved. I've been through this before, I'll get through it again. I hope. What am I even saying. Fuck.