24.4.11

Been crying my eyes out for the past nights before bed. Exactly why I hate being alone with my thoughts. Exactly the reason why the first thing I do when I wake up is open the tv, to distract myself from me. Escape. If I leave me with me I'd self-destruct. Been wondering lately, how many valiums would it take? Will a whole pack do? Can valium even do it? I wonder if I'd be forgiven. I wonder if I'd go straight to hell for doing it. I wonder if someone will be proud of me for being strong and actually doing it. I wonder if they'd be like, 'At least she had the guts to do it.'. I wonder if I'd regret it after doing it, or would I even know I did it after doing it. I wonder if they'd be sad for me, or happy. I wonder if anyone'd cry. Will I be missed? Will they feel like they lost something forever or will it just be a passing thing for them? I'm pretty much a wuss, I can't do it. I don't know. Maybe I can. I guess if I decided that I can do it, you'll never know considering the fact that I won't be around to tell you. It scares me, honestly. My thoughts. Me. I'm scared that if i think too much about this I'd start challenging myself and just get on with it. But I probably won't. I don't know. I'm losing it, but I don't need to be saved. I've been through this before, I'll get through it again. I hope. What am I even saying. Fuck.