30.12.14

But you were the one who put yourself in that zone!!!

(I'm assuming that was about me. Hahahaha! No really, was it me? Hahaha)

16.7.14

Just when you thought you've finally gotten brave and decided to speak your mind, they laugh and tell you it's just not possible. They need you. You don't need to find yourself. Thy need you. What you want is not important, all that matters is they need you and that you have to be there for them. Wow. 

And the thing is, I no longer feel like crying. I'm way past it. This is too much. 

15.6.14

The phrase "Gone but not forgotten." is only allowed as my epitaph only if it holds true. If it can't be kept better not place it there.

13.4.14

I'm ok. I'd like to think that I'm happy. I think I am. I just have a little issue. In my head, I've never thought I'd live to this age and I now i don't really know what to do? (I'm over using the question mark but whatever) for as long as I can remember (not really, grade school days) I've had an obsession? With dying young. I dunno why. I've alway thought its better than dying of old age. Less drama, less hardships. But I dot really feel that way now. Why is it so hard to fucking explain your own feelings? It's so weird. I'm ok but my thoughts are on it's dead end. Can't day dream past this age. Haha. I guess this is what living each day as it comes is. It's kinda scary and nice. Whatever. Why can't I construct proper sentences. Ugh.

24.3.14

Hey there. It's been a while. A short while. Well I'm back. Guess why? Hahaha. I really am too old for this.

22.2.14

Made up with the bff. Haha. Fighting with people you love or people in general is exhausting. Fighting with my mom is heartbreaking. We're kind of ok now. Not back to the way it were, but ok nonetheless.

16.2.14

If one real person asks me if I'm ok, I might tell the truth.

Haha. No.


14.2.14

Went to church for the first time after so long. Almost cried my eyes out. During homily, the priest said that God loves us all differently. Uniquely. I wonder sometimes if He really does. I have so many things to be thankful for and I am really thankful, I just am a really horrible person. I've upset my whole family. I don't even know why or how I did it. I don't want to talk, there's nothing to say. I don't want to apologize, I've done nothing wrong. At least that's what I think. I'm always the one apologizing, everything is always my fault. Even if I'm the one being misunderstood, the blame is always on me. So I was given a deadline to fix this thing that I apparently did. I already suck at apologies as it is, how do you think I'd fare for apologizing for something I didn't do. I wish this'll just go away. I'm never leaving this room.
I'm fine.

This is something I'm really good at. I've practically perfected this 'craft'.

My heart feels like it's breaking and I want to be gone forever, but otherwise, yea, I'm fine. Good, even. Thank you.

See.

I don't even know why I feel like this, they say I'm just too 'emo'. My brother thinks I'm rebelling over some petty things. I'm not. I just, I don't know. I feel like this. It is what it is.
Happy birthday.

Am I really a failure of a person because right now my only wish is to disappear. If I wish hard enough...I don't want to be here.

11.2.14

This year's birthday will really suck because my mom and i are still not talking to each other. Hurray. Not.

10.2.14

Who are you? Nothing to see here. Move along now. Get out!
My mom and I aren't talking and it might be because I'm such a brat.

I'm back here plus I'm going back to my brat self. Wow, I must be feeling really shitty.
If only running away is that easy. If only I was young enough to still run away.

9.2.14

I do wonder if I'm a real screw up.

Oh the thoughts that run in my head. Not healthy, not at all.
I guess it's true, what that article say. We tend to make everything about ourselves. I do that a lot too. I'm horrible, I know.

It's why I can't really open up to people. Every time I try, it gets turned around, so I can't. Better to keep it all in I guess.
What's becoming of my life? Why do I suck at living. My birthday's coming up, another year I don't want. Why can't it just stop. Here I go again. Not depressed, just really sad. And disappointed with life. My life.